Here at Drunk University, we are prepared to give you the most recent news on Michael Jackson’s passing. When brought into the hospital, the doctor’s immediately said: “It’s bad, it’s bad, it’s really, really bad.” Then Michael Jackson died, in an attempt to make himself even whiter.

The following video was filmed live at UCLA Medical Center following his death. Enjoy!

I’m considering buying a breathalyzer.  It would be nice to have in the car to make sure that the one drink you had at the bar wasn’t stronger than you thought it was.  The only problem is that I know it will get used for the wrong purposes.  After a while, it will become a contest between me and my friends to see who can blow the highest number.  It will be like owning a version of Frogger that encouraged you to run into busier and busier streets to impress your friends. Or like owning a scale that somehow encouraged you to eat less in order to see the numbers go down. Someone tell fat people about these things. Anyway, my breathalyzer currently reads .28. If I keep this up, I will win the BAC lifetime achievement award, aka, cirrosis. Thanks breathalyzer!

I have said many things in my life that I stand behind firmly.  Occasionally, I use my words confidently to exhibit strength, intelligence, and culture.  However, we live in complicated times where luxuries, technology, and mainstream art have softened the average man.  Sometimes we don’t notice how these things affect our behavior, but other times, it is excruciatingly obvious.  Several times, I have entered into a conversation with the intention of adding insight or sparking discussion.  Partway through the statement though, I hear myself speaking and cannot believe how lame I sound.  These statements stop me dead in my tracks and I am forced to seriously evaluate the way I am living my life.  The following is an incomplete list of such comments.

1. Mousse gives my hair a softer feel than gel.  Gel makes it too stiff and spiky and the hair flows better with…

2. I was looking at the Craiglist personal ads and everyone who posts there are such losers…

3. Bret Michaels finally came to his senses and eliminated her.  She was just there to be on television and wasn’t right for him at all…

4. I try to keep my carbohydrate intake really low, unless I’m doing cardio that day, then I’ll double up on oatmeal or wheat bread…

5. And the kitten has a look on his face like, “What did I do?”  But you can tell he knows what he did…

6. There’s this one part in Dr. T and the Women where…

7. I’ll have a garden salad with raspberry vinaigrette dressing on the side…

8. The groomer totally screwed up my labradoodle’s coiff…

9. Hi, can I get a Bahama-Mamma…

10. So I was sitting down to pee and I notice…

DJ & The Fro: The Art of Sexually Satisfying Furniture
The world is full of mysteries. You can research, study, and theorize all you want, but there are some questions that will never be answered. MTV’s new animated comedy DJ & The Fro reminds us of one such phenomena. One way or another, video footage of a group of young men boastfully humping inanimate objects surfaced on the internet. Now, DJ & The Fro are offering their take on the clip:

Here are questions left tragically unanswered:
1. Why was this videotaped?
2. Why was this done as a group activity?
3. How did this get on the internet?
4. How did they come up with their cool hip-hop nicknames?
5. Do they believe women will be impressed by this?
6. Do they believe men will be impressed by this?
7. Is this an attempt to get discovered by someone in the porn industry?
8. Is this an attempt to get discovered by someone who specializes in pity lays?
9. Was the Ottoman of legal age to participate in the act?
10. Was the Ottoman a consensual participant?
11. What about the Ottoman did the group find so arousing?
12. What happens when the father (whose cool hip-hop nickname is “Bill-Pay-Ah”) catches everyone in his house violating his home décor and starts cracking skulls?