TOP TEN NON-SLUTTY COSTUME IDEAS
10. Kunta Kinte
9. Jesus in a chastity belt
8. Elephant Man on acid
7. Inebriated pig farmer
6. A chunk of Natalee Ann Holloway
5. Afghani maid
4. An insect expert who examines rotting girls’ carcasses
3. One of 72 virgins
2. Duke Lacrosse Stripper
1. Suicide bomber’s girlfriend

TOP TEN WORST HALLOWEEN TREATS
10. Toad turds
9. Mad cow disease
8. Fruit of any kind
7. Monopoly money
6. Spare change
5. Previously chewed Charleston Chews
4. Old Van Halen Records
3. Rabbit punch
2. Toothbrush (there’s a fuckin’ dentist on every block)
1. Donkey punch

TOP FIVE PHRASES TO USE INSTEAD OF TRICK OR TREAT!
5. Is your daughter home?
4. Make with the candy, bitch!
3. Let me tell you about the time God spoke to me through a gypsy moth
2. Give me anything but Smarties and Candy Corn, douche bag
1. Aren’t you a little old to be handing out candy?

TOP TEN CHEAPEST HALLOWEEN COSTUMES
10. Chinchilla rapist
9. A smelly Quaker
8. Nick Nolte – just puke on yourself
7. Birthday suit
6. Your current boyfriend
5. Nelly – just buy a band aid and apply to your face…it’s getting hot in here so take off your band-aid
4. Your ex-boyfriend
3. A Rabbi
2. Every dude you’ve dated or ever will date

1. Scrotum hanging out of your zipper guy

TOP TEN THINGS TO PUT IN CANDY BESIDES RAZORS BLADES
10. T ‘n’ T pop and snaps
9. MDMA
8. Rusty fish hooks
7. Agent Orange
6. Lojack
5. Expired ham cubes
4. Habanero pepper seeds
3. Ass hairs
2. Anti-war propaganda in the form of a tiny comic strip featuring Protest Sign Joe
1. Ass hairs with dingleberries

TOP TEN REASONS I DON’T HAND OUT CANDY FOR HALLOWEEN
10 year old Shakira
9 year old Gigantica
8 year old Tinkerbell
7 year old Pocahontas
6 year old Wonder Woman
5 year old Sheena
4 year old Daphne from Scooby Doo
3 year old Dolly Parton
2 year old lady bug
1 year old Marilyn Monroe

TOP TEN FAVORITE HALLOWEEN ACTIVITIES
10. Traumatizing little children with my Dead Winnie the Pooh being raped by Tigger diorama
9. Celebrating the coming of our Dark Lord with Silly String and Xanex white bars
8. Going around at 3 a.m. and quietly pinching a loaf on my neighbor’s lawn
7. Drinking until I forget the crushing reality of no longer being a child
6. Passing out condoms and Kama Sutra pamphlets to trick or treaters and giving their parents a big wink and a slap on the ass
5. Pretending I’m an Ogre and beating people to death with a club in order to eat their bones
4. TPing Muslim Mosques3. Masturbating to Jack O Lantern porn carvings
2. Reliving my childhood Halloweens by locking myself in the basement with the dead mice and the Koran
1. Smoking bowls, eating all the candy, staying up all night, and watching that real estate infomercial with the two midget twins

TOP TEN WORST HALLOWEEN COSTUMES
10. Sniper shooting a third grader
9. Green Peace petitioners
8. Rally monkey
7. Raider Fan
6. Judge Joe Brown in a unitard
5. Yourself with a mustache
4. Superman in a wheel chair
3. Pregnant nun (so trite!)
2. Cunt pimple girl
1. WTC 9/11 guy

TOP 10 THINGS A WITCHES BROOM HANDLE SMELLS LIKE
10. Toto’s butthole
9. A witches tit
8. Gargamel’s balls
7. Grandma’s house
6. Nads
5. Low tide
4. Icabod’s crane
3. Wicked witch of the yeast
2. Astro-glide
1. Flying monkey’s cock

TOP FIVE PORNO SPOOFS OF HORROR MOVIES
5. Night of the Living Dykes
4. Evil Head
3. Barnyard gangbang on Elm Street
2. Friday the 13 inches of Black Cock
1. Texas Anal Bead Massacre

TOP TEN REASONS YOU CAN’T HAND OUT CANDY
10. You’re Jewish (cuz you don’t celebrate pagan holidays you anti-Semite!)
9. Your fatass ate it all
8. Your hands were ripped off in ‘Nam
7. You’re pagan and feel the holiday has been over-commercialized
6. You’re stuck to the floor from a recent Bukkake session
5. Too busy taking snapshots of all the hotties trick or treating
4. Court Order that keeps you 100 feet away from all the hotties trick or treating
3. Too busy stressing over the Terrorist Alert Yellow safety status
2. You’re a homeless piece of shit
1. Too busy leaning out your white cream van and aiming for kill shots

TOP TEN HALLOWEEN COSTUMES FOR GUYS
10. Drunk pimp with an oversized afro
9. Pothead – there’s always an idiot wearing kitchenware
8. God’s gift to women - a box addressed from God, to women
7. Ghost of Yankee pitcher
6. Clown rapist
5. Duff Man
4. Slim Jim
3. Jizm Guy
2. Kung Fool
1. bin Laden on ecstasy

TOP TEN HALLOWEEN COSTUMES FOR LADIES
10. Power Puff Girl Slut
9. Slutty Little Bo Peep
8. Rabbit slut
7. Slutty Catholic priestess
6. Xena the Warrior Slut
5. Slutty Angel
4. Coked out Bride of Frankenstein slut
3. Slutty Nicole Kidman
2. Coked out Butterfly slut
1. Slutty Mother Teresa

Joke of the Day:

Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged

Q. What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?
A. You can eat your mom’s apple pie.

TOP TEN REASONS YOU SHOULD WEAR A COSTUME TO CLASS ON THE 31ST
10. Extra credit
9. Now you can wear that banana suit to school
8. You suck at being yourself
7. Teacher can’t tell if you’re high
6. You can whack it under the sheet
5. Teacher can’t tell if you’re cheating
4. You can inconspicuously stare at fictitious jub jubs in a mask
3. …and twins!
2. Everyone will think your family is poor if you don’t have a costume
1. You’re John Karr

TOP 8 THINGS YOU SHOULD DO IF A BLACK CAT CROSSES YOUR PATH
8. Pull a “Rodney King for Cats” on its ass
7. Say “Naughty Pussy” and punch it in the face
6. Step on a crack and break your mother’s back to even it out
5. Paint a white stripe on it and watch Pepe Lepeui try to fuck it long and hard
4. Choke it to death with spilled salt
3. Take that black pussy home and eat it (Cuz you’re a Szechuan chef)
2. Smash it with a mirror
1. Stuff it down your pants and walk under a ladder

TOP FIVE SIGNS DRACULA WASN’T GAY
5. Never looked in the mirror
4. Didn’t like wood steak
3. He’s in the coffin
2. He always wanted suck blood, which implied he enjoyed performing cunnilingus on menstruating women
1. Didn’t fuck Cory Feldman when he had the chance

TOP FIVE SIGNS DRACULA WAS GAY
5. Talked with a suspicious lisp
4. Slept all day, partied all night
3. Huge fan of clown rape
2. Only bit necks of mushroom heads
1. Raped Frankenstein and his monster

TOP 10 SHITTIEST THINGS ABOUT HALLOWEEN
10. Drunk driving much more challenging with all the kids out
9. Christmas
8. Beer bong tube can’t fit through mask hole
7. Getting a ten year olds makeup off your thighs
6. Hookah tube can’t fit through mask hole
5. Accidentally hitting on dudes dressed in drag when you’re drunk
4. Coming to terms with your crippling fear of children
3. Going to jail dressed in drag and not drunk
2. Sharing candy
1. Being one of thirty disco pimps at the party

Joke of the Day:

Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A. A bloody waste of f*%king time.

Q. Why is a woman’s pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.