TOP TEN NON-SLUTTY COSTUME IDEAS
10. Kunta Kinte
9. Jesus in a chastity belt
8. Elephant Man on acid
7. Inebriated pig farmer
6. A chunk of Natalee Ann Holloway
5. Afghani maid
4. An insect expert who examines rotting girls’ carcasses
3. One of 72 virgins
2. Duke Lacrosse Stripper
1. Suicide bomber’s girlfriend
TOP TEN WORST HALLOWEEN TREATS
10. Toad turds
9. Mad cow disease
8. Fruit of any kind
7. Monopoly money
6. Spare change
5. Previously chewed Charleston Chews
4. Old Van Halen Records
3. Rabbit punch
2. Toothbrush (there’s a fuckin’ dentist on every block)
1. Donkey punch
TOP FIVE PHRASES TO USE INSTEAD OF TRICK OR TREAT!
5. Is your daughter home?
4. Make with the candy, bitch!
3. Let me tell you about the time God spoke to me through a gypsy moth
2. Give me anything but Smarties and Candy Corn, douche bag
1. Aren’t you a little old to be handing out candy?
TOP TEN CHEAPEST HALLOWEEN COSTUMES
10. Chinchilla rapist
9. A smelly Quaker
8. Nick Nolte – just puke on yourself
7. Birthday suit
6. Your current boyfriend
5. Nelly – just buy a band aid and apply to your face…it’s getting hot in here so take off your band-aid
4. Your ex-boyfriend
3. A Rabbi
2. Every dude you’ve dated or ever will date
1. Scrotum hanging out of your zipper guy
TOP TEN THINGS TO PUT IN CANDY BESIDES RAZORS BLADES
10. T ‘n’ T pop and snaps
9. MDMA
8. Rusty fish hooks
7. Agent Orange
6. Lojack
5. Expired ham cubes
4. Habanero pepper seeds
3. Ass hairs
2. Anti-war propaganda in the form of a tiny comic strip featuring Protest Sign Joe
1. Ass hairs with dingleberries
TOP TEN REASONS I DON’T HAND OUT CANDY FOR HALLOWEEN
10 year old Shakira
9 year old Gigantica
8 year old Tinkerbell
7 year old Pocahontas
6 year old Wonder Woman
5 year old Sheena
4 year old Daphne from Scooby Doo
3 year old Dolly Parton
2 year old lady bug
1 year old Marilyn Monroe
TOP TEN FAVORITE HALLOWEEN ACTIVITIES
10. Traumatizing little children with my Dead Winnie the Pooh being raped by Tigger diorama
9. Celebrating the coming of our Dark Lord with Silly String and Xanex white bars
8. Going around at 3 a.m. and quietly pinching a loaf on my neighbor’s lawn
7. Drinking until I forget the crushing reality of no longer being a child
6. Passing out condoms and Kama Sutra pamphlets to trick or treaters and giving their parents a big wink and a slap on the ass
5. Pretending I’m an Ogre and beating people to death with a club in order to eat their bones
4. TPing Muslim Mosques3. Masturbating to Jack O Lantern porn carvings
2. Reliving my childhood Halloweens by locking myself in the basement with the dead mice and the Koran
1. Smoking bowls, eating all the candy, staying up all night, and watching that real estate infomercial with the two midget twins
