So I’ve been waiting for the time when I acquire old man confidence. Ya know? Cause that is the greatest characteristic you could ask for. That is the best trait you could have. It’d be unreal. Old man confidence? You don’t care about anything. You have no shame.
Have you ever been in a bathroom with an old man that doesn’t care?
It’s enlightening.
You know it’s an old man when you hear him explode in the stall. I mean it sounds like there’s ten dudes in their taking dumps. He doesn’t care at all. He’s unconscious in there.
I’m always trying to be private and discrete. If there’s someone else in the bathroom with me I’ll wait for a toilet flush or a sink to get turned on. Then I proceed. But never in dead silence.
Not old men. I mean it could be a bathroom in a mortuary and they’d let loose like it was the 4th of July.
And you know why?
Because once you do it in front of your wife, nothing else matters. Nothing. You do something in front of your wife that normally you’re embarrassed to do in front of other people, from there on out you’ve got Lindsay Lohan stepping out of a limo confidence. You’re out in public ripping farts, burping, talking loud, high fiving strangers, wearing ridiculous, crazy clothes.
Why do you think it’s the old men who wear just the craziest, mismatching clothes like they’re playing dress up or something? It’s because they wore it originally on a Sunday afternoon while watching television in front of their wife, and afterwards it occurred to them, “Hey, my wife’s seen me in this…screw it I’m wearing this out to dinner tonight at Outback.”
