So, I’ve been at this college for a few months now, and I’ve realized something- everyone here is a pussy. Even the manly-looking chicks are pussies. The other day, some nerd asked me to “Rush” his “Frat.” I asked him why he was speaking to me, and he told me all about pounding boilermakers with his frat buddies. “Shit,” I thought, “If I wanted to drink beers with a bunch of virgins, I’d go back to kindergarten.” I would’ve cussed him out, but I was wearing my new grill, and it hasn’t set right on my teeth, yet.

Then, I found a fraternity that changed my life – Tau Alpha something. No more of this study-all-day-drink-bud-light-on-weekends-and-call-yourself-“cool” bullshit. The fraternity I rushed is beyond that- they’re all about heroin. We’re not a “heroin fraternity,” don’t get me wrong. We’re just hooked on heroin, every one of us. But, we do lots of other activities which are only semi-heroin related:

A. Social Life

Our weekdays mainly find us robbing recruits and studying for our visual arts degrees. Most of my V.A. projects involve me filming myself shooting heroin. I get straight A’s.

The weekends are usually really kick-back. We usually all gather in the living room and watch “Family Guy” reruns. Afterward, we watch “Sex and the City” because no one can reach the remote.

Parties are excellent. Somebody throws on some Eno, we hang a bunch of belts in the foyer, and… well, that’s about it.

B. Rush Events

The fraternity doesn’t really have an informational “rush week.” Our merits are self-evident. But, the hazing is hard-core. One time, they made me shoot heroin into my dong. I couldn’t ejaculate for three days, but I didn’t really care, because I spent most of that time in the hospital.

When I fell asleep on the table during Parents’ Night, they took away my stash. That week was rough. I fucked a goat, blew a bum, and watched back-to-back episodes of “Real World vs. Road Rules: The Gauntlet,” all because I was told these things would score me smack.

C. Charity

Charity drives are alright with this brotherhood. Every month, we donate all of the stuff we can’t sell. Sometimes, we just roll downtown and donate goods to a drug-dealing bum. Usually, the bum ends up getting shot, but whatever. That’s all too heavy for me to worry about, anyway. Charity, man.

As you can see, my days are full, now that I’ve pledged my life to this fraternity. The best part is learning how to maximize my budget. I would have thought that pawning my T.V. would lower my entertainment, but I don’t even care. I just spend all day fixing, then I stare at these pictures:

Drunk Links

• Worst job ever
• Look like you have a beer belly so you can get one…or something
• Have web cams ever been used for something productive?
• Pay someone to write your essay and have more time to get drunk
• Warning: Don’t let monkeys drink
• The poster on my wall
• Drunk Advice: And they say I’m blond

Holy shit I just burnt my fucking face off. “Hey, let’s have a bonfire,” I thought. “Great idea Bradley!” all my friends agreed. And then I had another brilliant idea - to spit white gas into the flames. Did I mention I was drunk?

I had been drinking since 4pm and alcohol was practically seeping out of my pores. After my face caught on fire I buried my head in the sand like an ostrich. My drunk friends tell me that flames shot out from my ears for 10 seconds. Instead of going to urgent care immediately my drunk ass demanded to be taken home. I didn’t want them to think I was a wuss afterall.

According to the accounts of my friends my face looked like fucking Freddy Krueger, but don’t worry ladies I am supposed to make a full recovery. I feel sorry for those burn victims I saw at the burn center today though. Motherfucker! There were people who’s skinned looked like crumpled paper.

Anyway, this update is not supposed to be funny you fuckers, but a warning. The moral of the story is: if you are going to catch your face on fire make sure someone has a video camera so you can put it on your web site and make your update actually entertaining.

Drunk Links

• Lindsay Lohan gets a stupid tattoo
• Scottish girls can out drink you, you wuss
• This article claims that people like watching celebrity porn - you don’t say!
• This cop gets owned
• Someone should do this again and submit the video
• Chicks getting naked for an early Spring Break
• Drunk Advice: Don’t Drunk Drive and Jerk Off

Subway sucks. Every time I walk in some fat sandwich-making chick tries to get way too friendly. Asking me how I am and where I’ve been. Damn, I just want a sandwich! I knew this guy who worked at Subway from high school until he was 27. When someone asked for a sandwich he’d give them two cookies filled with ice cream. Wait…that was Baskin Robbins. Still, the point is that all the people that work there are retards.

In fact, I walked into a fucking interview wearing boxing gloves and got the job. The manager asked why I was wearing boxing gloves and I told him it was because I had a hook. Yes, Subway hires retards and the retards make your sandwiches. Do you really want retards making your sandwich? One thing I know is I don’t want no retard juice on my beef, lettuce, and tomato.

As soon as I warm up to the fat chick they pass me down the assembly line. When I get to the end they ask me what kind of sandwich I have. Even though it’s hot and steaming and the guy standing 2 feet from him just asked me if I wanted the “double meat for a dollar,” I tell him it’s vegetarian because it’s the cheapest. Everyone and their mom knows of this trick and yet they always fall for it. They must wonder why they even stock up on meat.

“Dur, vegetarian sure is popular this week. Hold on, I gotta go get some more turkey from the back.”

Subway doesn’t even have the staple sandwich, peanut butter and jelly. And even if they fucking did a retard behind the counter would probably ask you if you wanted the toppings on it. “Errr…mayonaise and mustard on your PB and J sir?” The only cool thing about Subway is that the chips and drinks are free. What? You didn’t know that?

Everyone there has a specific job kind of like how in high school the challenged kids pick up trash after lunch. One Subway worker picks up cans, one picks up paper, and one points. Similarly, at Subway one person puts mayonaise and mustard on your sandwich, another puts vegetables, and another puts on meat (why do they even have this guy!?). Notice that there is no Chip and Soda Guard Guy.

Anyway, what the fuck am I talking about. Back to how Subway sucks. The first day on the job the manager asked me where my hook went. I told him I traded it in for a Dallas Cowboy’s jacket. “Errr…oh, okay,” he said.

When I was working there they kept on insisting that I pay for my sandwiches. You gotta be shitting me. Why the fuck would I pay for sandwiches when they throw them away because “there’s extra pickles�” or “too much pepporcinni.” I just put those in my back pocket. In fact, I just put everything in my back pocket.

So one day I wrote this letter telling them how much I appreciate working for Subway, but they mistook it for blackmail. It didn’t make any sense because I’m as white as they come. All I said was that if they didn’t pay me more I would start a vigorous campaign in the media detailing how their stores were Feng Shui unfriendly.

The next day I get this note with my paycheck: “Dear Mike, I am sorry to inform you that you have been demoted from meat slicer to mayonaisse squirter.”� NOOOOO! But I had worked so hard for that position! I guess they were just looking for a reason to fire me because a week later I was canned for taking meaningless shit. I took old bread, left over meats and cheeses, a few bags of chips, and some money from the cash register. Fuck you Subway.

Stupidest thing I ever heard at Subway: “Oh my god! What am I going to do if a customer comes in? I’m just the vegetable layout specialist!”

Drunk Links

• This is why we’re fighting for Freedom in Iraq!
• But can he do a One Finger Keg Stand?
• Chicks can wrestle too - video of a girl breaking a dudes neck.
• If you’re in a frat you might want to check this site out.
• Friends always find a way to make a hang-over worse
• Get games for your MySpace Profile here, lame-o
  
• Bush needs to drink again, so he’d have an excuse for fucking up so much
• Shortest Conversation with the DrunkAdvice bot ever

I hate a lot of things. I’m not writing this article to amuse you; you piss me off. I hate lists. Do you want a list, you fucking drunks? I’ll give you a list

TOP TEN THINGS I HATE:

10. The symbol @. Are Americans so lazy that they need to abbreviate the word “at”? The Japanese don’t abbreviate the word “at.”

9. The slogan “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.” I don’t hate you because you’re beautiful, bitch, I hate you because you’re stuck up about it. I once stalked a woman, but she broke up with me because I only hated her for her looks.

8. I read that Castrol oil is the official motor oil of the N.B.A. That’s great, because I hate it when I go to an N.B.A. game and there’s not enough motor oil to go around.

7. Other people. I’m not racist, I hate everybody.

6. Computers, I tried to login to get e-mail for the first time the other day. The computer asked me to type in my name, so I typed: “Evan Hoovler.” It told me that this was not correct. I began to swear at the machine until some friendly CSO’s escorted me out of the building, anally violated me, and then kicked my ass. That’s why I hate computers.
5. Economics textbooks: One buys the textbook for 80 dollars, one can sell it back for 50 cents. If one buys the Economics book, one should automatically fail the Economics class.

4. Higher math. Do you remember when math used to have numbers? Now it consists entirely of letters. It’s not math anymore, it’s English.

3. The French. Let’s just face it, when was the last time you heard somebody say, “Wow, those French sure are cool!?”

2. Soft Reserves. The other day I waited in line for a half hour at the reserves place to buy a final for Chemistry 6B. When I got to the front of the line, the man behind the window told me that the final I wanted was not available. I told him I was pretty sure it was. He said it wasn’t. So I stabbed him.

1. This list.

Aka The Porn Industry Chews Up Another Soul and Spits it Out into a Waiting Hooker’s Mouth

Welcome to DrunkU.com and a special update! It’s Steve York, Stevie Why, The Whyman, better known as your resident college student porn star. I just got back from the Adult Video News (AVN) Awards in Las Vegas and it was insanity! Imagine a 10,000 people gangbang with porn playing on LCD screens and giant posters of porn stars everywhere!

Okay, now imagine it without the sex and 9,900 of the people are nerdy dudes mulling around looking at hot almost-naked chicks. Yep, that pretty much sums up the AVN. Tens of thousands of horny single men, girls with way too much plastic surgery, and the chance to wince everytime you need to use the bathroom wondering what STD super-viruses are breeding after Rocco Siffredi’s ass touched the seat.

They really gayed up the AVN this year…although I didn’t go last year so I have nothing to judge it against but my fantasies. Anyway, everywhere I looked there was trannie porn and they didn’t allow any nudity on the floor. That’s right, 100 foot high posters and 10 foot across LCD displays with naked chicks taking it from 5 guys who are taking it from 5 more guys while a chimpanzee felates itself in the corner are okay, but if we see a real live boob there will be hell to pay! Obviously all the girls adhered to the rule as they all follow a very strict moral code - them being in the PORNO industry and all.

When I got to my hotel, I had been in the car for more than six hours so I was horny as hell. This was only enhanced when I hopped into bed and saw my reflection in the room’s mirrored ceiling. I grabbed my laptop and plugged it in. The Tropicana wanted fucking $14.95 so I could use my own laptop at their hotel…what the hell? You could get a hooker in Cuba for that price! I guess I could also rent a dirty movie through the On-Demand cable service for the same price too. Hmm. I had already seen “Hustler Centerfolds II” but some variant on the MILF theme welcomed my horniness. Ten minutes in I was already bored. I got so fed up with it and started thinking, “I’m in Vegas and I’m a big shot motherfuckers!” so I ordered the next MILF title…and it’s another $14.95 down the drain along with the half-hearted jizz I finally stroked out.

Alright, that story was for my gay fanbase, but enough about me jerking it. Come Saturday morning I trekked to the Sands Expo Center with the show in full force. Thousands of people were lined up to get in and here was The Why Man getting his official Media Pass and bypassing all the lines. Life was good. Imagine if you could get a Media Pass like that at one of those 500 man gang bangs? That’d be awesome…no more sloppy 455ths. As I started meeting people at the show I quickly had a handful of business cards from some of the biggest names in the biz. I even met a girl that my photographer knew from San Diego that I think I might do a scene with.

I spent that first night going party to party around Vegas and every knew me. It was fucking odd and amazing. I found myself in a three story suite at the Caesar’s Palace being held by a bunch of people who run a company that only produces amateur videos. Tons of free booze and mini-orgies break out everywhere. I even had a mini-orgie with myself and both of my hands got involved!

I got back home at 5am and three of my friends were in my room. Great, it’s now a sausage-fest. And for my gay fanbase - Great! It’s now a SAUSAGEFEST!!! Plus, they drank my bottle of Jager. We got two hours of sleep and then ordered $70 in breakfast room service and headed back to the show.

Holy shit we ran into so many interesting people that want to talk to us about our porn on campus Freedom Fight. Max Hardcore (!) for example, who is best known for inserting speculums into vaginas and asses at the most extreme angles, double fisting (and not the “drinking” practice) and lots and lots of pissing. Oh, and he also has the most obscenity investigations against him in America right now and can’t even film in the country anymore. God I love freedom…and vagina.

Anyway, we all got official GOT MAX? shirts, keychains, and signed posters. Legend Peter North was very humble and quiet; surprising for a guy who can ejaculate gallons of load at a hat’s notice (a very sexy hat obviously). My friend Dan was the man and took a ton of pictures using his press pass to cut in front of every one in the line of waiting spectators. We also ran into Ron Jeremy, who was still hung over from the night before. Look at us! Witness The Past and the Future of Porn (or Artistic Adult Filmography).

It was then that I met the girl of my dreams. A 36-year old ten year industry veteran who was going to college and planned on going to law school. I will definitely tell you more about her in future updates, but for now we are planning on starting a production company together. Not to mention she is a dominatrix, can swallow swords in her strip act, knows no gag reflex and has no problem orgasming from anal. And she’s smart as shit. Damn, I was in love with my girl, Anita, already.

I had planned on leaving that evening, but instead Anita got us into the Penn and Teller show back stage with a single phone call. She also took me to the biggest swingers club in the world. It was a $100 to get in and she got me in for free. There was a porn star on my arm among all these swingers and they are eyeing us with their tongues licking their lips. That’s when she demonstrated that she wasn’t lying about that no gag reflex.

We went to the Penn and Teller show with the best tickets in the house, went backstage and met everyone including Ron Jeremy again, and I leave Vegas back to my parent’s house spent.

So that was my weekend in a 1000 word nutshell . But fuck you all cuz I know you are only here for the pictures…

Newly Added Pics of Steve York Drunk at the AVN with a bunch of porn stars

Joke of the Day:

Q. What’s the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ‘’quickie,” only you do it yourself.

Q. Why don’t little girls fart?
A. Because they don’t get assholes until they’re married.

Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins!

Joke of the Week:

Q: Why don’t men fake orgasms?
A: Because no man could make those faces on purpose.

Q: What’s the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.