I’ve been asked to review some popular classes for Drunk University. For a variety of racial reasons, I’m only allowed to attend classes in which I am enrolled, so those are the ones which I will review. Fortunately, my girlfriend just dumped me- regular Drunk U readers and followers of police bandwidths know that, when my girlfriend dumps me, a classmate gets hurt. By me. With pain.

History 102B
I usually bring a gun to this class, because my professor is European. However, I’m trying to hurt someone, not shoot my teacher in self-defense, so I left the gun holstered. I did bring a bottle of whiskey. My professor repeatedly used the word “Nazi” in a lesson that was supposed to be about pre-World War II Germany. Deeply offended, I challenged my professor to a fight, right there in class. He accepted, but then said he’d need some preparation to get in a “punk-slapping mood.” Soon enough, the stinking Euro was passed out at the nearest bar. My quest continued.

Advanced Calculus 4
It’s hard to understand this professor, as he is from Asia. But, he knows his stuff, and doesn’t mind repeating himself when you raise your hand and say, “Repeat that, you fucking doof.” Plus, he frequently turns to write something on the chalkboard, which gives me time to whittle my T-square into a shank. It came in handy, when I ran out of paper and was forced to carve my notes into my arm to blur the pain. When I finally jumped up and challenged all the math nerds to a knife-fight, I was covered in blood. This was the last thing I remember about that class.

Chemisty Lab 6B
Usually, in Chem Lab, I’m hard at work doing what I do best- stealing chemicals to sell to people who make meth. But, today, I spent class diligently concocting a corrosive acid that I planned to throw in the face of the next person who asked to borrow a pencil. Yeah, I know, stabbing them with a pencil would have been more apropos; I’m not the clearest thinker when I’m filled with homicidal rage and only 2 pints of blood. So, I sat there waiting, and finally, this chick asked me to borrow a pen- close enough! As her delicate hands flew to her acid-scarred face, I saw the words “Chuck must Die” burned into her forearm, along with the formula, “∫4πr².” Then, it blurred as her she swung, cracking my jaw in three places. I knew it was love, and I’m going to take her out dancing, as soon as she fixes her face.

For those of you who are thinking of taking any of these classes this quarter, I’d probably stay the fuck away. They’re all good classes, but you don’t want to get involved with my drama. So, back off.

Drunk Links

• Family Guy’s greatest clips
• Probably the most likely way to get a DUI is crash into a….
• If a cop just misses one word you can be as drunk as you like
• Learn why drunk driving is awesome…err…horrible
• Pamela Anderson is looking for a sperm donor
• Hackers figure out how to get XM and Sirius on their cell phones