What’s up? It’s me, the Rexican in for a very special Drunk University update. As you know, I’m a big Howard Stern fan so in one drunk weekend, Dirty Mike, B-rad, a couple friends, and I put together a video for the Howard Stern Film Festival.

Our video is a parody of Artie Lange’s new movie Beer League. Being the immature assholes we are we just called everyone in the movie gay and then made fun of the fact that Artie’s dad died by falling off of a ladder.

Even though the movie was pretty gay we were hoping it would be funny enough to make the cut and play at the festival. It didn’t. Before I kill myself as a result of my failure, I thought you might want to check it out.

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Hi, my name is Jason and I am this week’s special guest writer. In fact, I am so special that I don’t even get my own nametag! I am here to do a movie review so let’s get this party started! Oh, and since I can’t afford to go to the movies I will be reviewing an old movie I watched last week on Fox. Without further ado…

Total Recall, fuck yeah! This movie proves that a shitty 80’s movie can be made into a masterpiece by adding a roided out steakhead that cannot speak English. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the man; it is a proven fact. There is a reason why this eight-time Mr. Olympia is the current Governator of California and if you figure out what it is please email me!

This movie was fucking awesome- Arnold banged the shit out of an eighty-pound blond, passed up a three boob chick (which was gay), and wasted people like they were flies. The future is pretty kick ass. Considering the movie consisted entirely of killing I assume the philosophical part was the “recall” shit. It was cool, but I basically do the same thing four times a week and it’s a lot cheaper than nine hundred credits.

Some call what I do binge drinking; I like to call it “going to college in bumfuck Pennsylvania.” Seriously, what the hell is there to do in Lewisburg if you aren’t lit up like a fucking light bulb? I’m relating my experiences with alcohol to total recall (even though my recalls are never total). Every day I wake up and pray to God that I didn’t jump on a grenade (fat chick). After my daily prayer I search my fraternity house for people that I might have seen the night before, hoping to piece my night together. Of course I never get answers.

It’s pretty sweet though. When I wake up I never know if my dreams are dreams or drunken memories. I wish I could take a video camera into my dreams. They are fucking amazing, almost as amazing as Caboosey’s acting in the movie. I get laid all of the time and kill shit. It’s my own memory implant, and it only costs ten dollars a case!

So all in all the movie was good or whatever. Fuck this, I’m going to get drunk.

Drunk Links

• My mom only held drinking parties for herself
• And now a cool dad
• Danish supermodel arrested for getting rowdy on a flight
• Some chick talks about how awesome the Duke Lacrosse team is
• Free essays and shit for school
• Add some of these games to your MySpace profile
• Man faces rape charge after sleeping with wrong woman in dark house

I’ve been asked to write an article about how to reel in the ladies. Sorry, girls, this article’s just for the men, and the lesbian men. It’s only natural that I am hard on the casual dating scene. After all, I know all about dinosaurs, and women love hearing about dinosaurs. Also, I’m really into video games, which helps me relate to the fantasy worlds in which chicks live.

One question I am frequently asked by shiny-faced virgins, such as yourself, is how to get a woman to have “sex” with you. At first, I was confused, but then I went to dictionary.com, and I learned that “sex” is modern slang for “pushing up in that nappy dugout.” This one’s easy, pay attention. If you want to have “sex” with women, you must get them drunk. You can tell if a woman is drunk because she will want to have “sex” with you. This adage is true, whether you’re trying to score with a female at a party, or with your wife of 40 years.

The Right Liquor

Sometimes liquor sneaks up on you. WARNING: RED ALERT! WARNING: This is the liquor you want to avoid. When finding chicks which with to have “sex,” you must walk the line between a woman who’s drunk enough to throw down, and a woman who’s throwing up in your car. Or, even worse, talking about her feelings.

Let’s get serious for a minute. Giant fruity tropical drinks with colorful umbrellas. These are the key to getting chicks drunk- the sugar rushes the alcohol to her system. Scientists have been proving this true for decades. Ok? And chicks love fruity crap!

Tequila is another fine liquor for getting chicks naked, which is hot, and not covered in vomit, which is semi-hot. Tequila rushes straight to your dome. Sure it’s harsh… that’s what “not sneaking up on you” means, princess. Although, don’t leave the chick alone with the tequila bottle. Left to their own devices, chicks will inevitably drink themselves until they are almost dead, upside-down on the staircase. Also, carbonation. Carbonated beverages, such as champagne, rush the alcohol through the bloodstream.

The Right Signs

Okay, I think we’ve learned about enough alcohols to cover most social events. Now, it’s time for the signs that a woman is at the right stage of inebriation. I’ve seen plenty of guys waste their time with small talk, such as, “Hi.” That leads nowhere, try these conversations:

B-rad: S’up? You drinkin’?
Some Gretchen: Um… Yeah.
B-rad: That’s sexy. You wanna get outta here?
Some Gretchen: You’re a jerk.
B-rad: What about your friend? [turns] Hey, Gretchen! You drinkin?!

If that’s to hot for you nerds, try this one:

B-rad: Hey, what do you like?
Scientist Gretchen: I’m a neurosurgeon.
B-rad: Oh, yeah? I have that new laser-guided laparoscopic defibrillator. It’s in my apartment.
Scientist Gretchen: How could that fit into an apartment, it’s 32 meters long?
B-rad: Never mind. Who’s your friend, is she drinkin’?

Great! Sounds like you’re ready to form meaningless relationships that last forever, or until your girlfriend finds out. Thanks to me, you’ve learned all the right moves to do all the wrong women. If this guide does not get you laid within 7 days, I guarantee that I will personally come to your house and beat your ass.

Drunk Links

• I wish my bus driver was this cool
• Oh shit, we’re all about to get a bunch more million dollar scam emails
• This is why you shouldn’t cheat on your girlfriend
• Lego version of Counterstrike
• Drunken idiots, eh?

Note: Ok, so you don’t have to be drunk to do these pranks, but it is STRONGLY advised. It won’t only help by increasing the likelihood of you being stupid enough to carry out whatever prank you decide upon, but it will allow you to plead innocent due to your intoxication (Or so my lawyer aka the neighborhood bum tells me).

I’m not a guy who likes getting even with someone by doing dirty underhanded tricks. Perhaps this is why I spend so much time daydreaming about revenge. I’ve decided to list my favorite recipes for revenge. In order to pull off these harmless pranks, you’ll need some low-grade explosives and a working knowledge of burglary. I mean, there are ways to get even, and there are ways to get really even. Do you understand, jerk?

1. Poosplosive: Break into the marks apartment. I know you can do it, tweaker. Once you’re inside, find a room with a light bulb in the ceiling. Flip the light switch, to make sure the light works. Unscrew the light bulb. Tape a firecracker with the fuse touching the inside of the light socket(make sure the light is off, first, Gilligan). Take a plastic bag full of dog doo, open it, and carefully tape it so it is covering the socket and firecracker. Turn off all the lights, and leave. When the mark flips the light switch, poo will explode everywhere. To be honest, I frequently do this in my own home for entertainment, when I’m out of drugs.
2. Craigslist is an excellent tool for revenge- especially if your mark hates freaky perverts. Post a graphically descriptive personals ad using your mark’s phone number. State that you’re looking for someone super-aggressive who won’t take “no” for an answer. Or, go to the escorts section: www.craigslist.com/whores, and send an escort to your mark’s home. Make sure they bring their pimp. People do this to me every night. I hate people.
3. This next method works when you’re mad at a business, so it helps to be really drunk. Take an office phone, and unscrew the receiver. There will be a red and a black wire. Strip these wires. Take an extension cord, cut the female end off. There will be two wires. Fasten these wires to the wires sticking out of the phone receiver. Plug the extension cord into the wall. This should blow out the phone system for the entire building. While you’re there, leave a Xerox of your butt- it will force investigators to examine mug-shots of convicts asses.

In conclusion, I’d like to challenge each and every one of you to stop being such a wuss. If you’re not responding to mild aggression with severe and brutal retaliation, you’re a jerk. I love America.

Drunk Links

• The most retarded anti-Drunk Driving commercial ever.
• When I don’t get my dinner I usually just go out drinking
• Quagmire from Family Guy teaches you how to pick up chicks
• A mission to hook up with hot chicks on Spring Break
• I take that back…THIS is the most retarded anti-drinking commercial ever.
• Ever want to see a giant gorilla banging chicks? Me neither, but here it is anyway.