It’s time to talk about alternative religions. I’m not talking about pussy religions like “Scientology” or ‘Anesthesiology,” I’m talking hardcore religions, like:

Super Kaballah: Devoted followers engage in an annual Bris.

Aborigine Catholicism: This works a lot like regular Catholicism. Each Sunday, followers are required to go to mass. However, instead of eating bread and drinking wine, each week, Aborigine Catholics choose one parishioner and eat them alive during the sermon. Sunday school kids still get juice and crackers.

Suicide Bomberanism: This religion is kinda backwards. If you go to a large church, you go to a church full of pussies. In fact, if there’s anyone in your church, they’re a pussy. Yeah, you’re a wuss, too, just for walking around wasting oxygen, while sins against our God go unpunished. You need to get yourself to the bar, son, and find some liquid courage and then blow the bar up. Pussy.

Atheist Muslim: You pray 5 times per day, but only because it straightens your posture. I’m serious, Muslim people have amazing spines and can perform, like, 10,000 sexual positions. Only Atheist Muslims know that, though.

Chinese Mongolians: There is a small sect of Chinese people who deeply believe they are Mongolians. These people suck- they don’t have a lot of alcohol, so they’ll get drunk, then drink their own urine. Who wants to believe in that?

KKK Buddhists: I don’t endorse this religion. Imagine the fear- you’re enjoying everyday life as one of the world’s 5 billion non-Chinese people. All of a sudden, men in white robes break into your home. In their pointy hats, they stand almost chest high- it’s scary. Then, they set fire to all your earthly possessions. This terror needs to stop.

Druid Rastafarians: These guys aren’t as nasty as the KKK Buddhists, but they are just as bloodthirsty. They’ll put on some Mr. Vegas, and invite you over for a “4:20 party.” But when you get there, they kill you, and use your skull for a bong. That’s not right, mon.

Drunk Links:

• Under 21 year old band brew their own beer
• Coolest and nerdiest dorm room ever
• One handed Rubik’s cube
• Hottest nerd you’ll ever meet
• Looks like Ashlee Simpson got a nosejob
• Guy in a gorilla suit getting girls naked

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