Some girl sent us an email the other day saying that our articles are so retarded that a monkey could write for Drunk University.

“You’re damn fucking right,” I replied. Listen here, and you listen good. If you know any monkeys that can write, tell them to email us right away and we will have a job waiting for them that pays more bananas than they can even imagine with their puny monkey brain. You should probably warn the monkey that most of the Drunk University staff can get pretty rowdy, foulmouthed, and occasionally we throw our own feces, but if the monkey can handle that they are totally in.

The last monkey we had couldn’t write worth crap. We got him from the circus so I thought he would at least have a few stories about drunken bearded women to tell or something. Right before we booted him out he came and told us that his buddies had got drunk together and came up with “a romantic tragedy.” Assuming that I was about to read about a hilarious fatal stabbing of some sort, I grabbed the papers from his hairy little monkey hand.

Of course, after I read the first two lines (Two households, both alike in dignity / In fair Verona, where we lay our scene), I sent his tight little red babboon ass packing back to the circus.

Okay, you got me. This entire article was a ruse. The point was to prove that a monkey could actually write for Drunk University and now I have, for I am, in fact, a monkey! Yes, a monkey actually wrote the article you are reading now! All you monkey haters fell for it! You fucking drunks.

Drunk Links:

• Maddox finally did a new update
• Some hidden camera boobage
• Living the dream
• New beer made just for dogs
• Dude pissed in a Mountain Dew

Old people are for the most part an untapped goldmine. Unless you’re like my grandma cuz she’s a repeatedly tapped goldmine. My grandma still gets tapped three or four times a week according to my informed count and my grandma’s dead.

Nonetheless, the point is that all old people accumulate all this money from years of hard work, but they certainly don’t deserve it. What are they gonna do, buy viagra and old people cream? Whoever says old people aren’t a social resource needs to shut the hell up. Old people are like a bank that forgets to collect loans. However, the trick is, not to fleece them out of everything in one hit, but to keep it coming. If you play your cards right you’ll be peeling out of nursing home parking lots in a Ferrari and grandma and grandpa will be eating dog food for dinner (or if you’re really lucky a log of human excrement).

Just because you see an old person living like a welfare dependent single teenage mother addicted to crack doesn’t mean they don’t have millions in some bank account. You’ve just got to learn how to push the right buttons…as in the ones corresponding to their bank account number on an ATM machine.

Check out this typical conversation demonstrating the ease of money conniving between one of my grandparents and I. I can’t remember his/her name, but they’re all dead anyway.

Me: Hi grandpops.
Him: What? Speak up son.
Me: Betcha don’t remember your bank account number!
Him: You shut your mouth before I take out my teeth and subsequently remove my belt.
Me: Hey gramps, what was your bank account number again? I forgot it.
Him: You need to work on that memory of yours. It’s 77390009.

I couldn’t understand half of the other stuff he said, but I think he must have been talking in Chinese cuz all I heard was “chi-ching!”

On to the plan! Start with your own grandparents. After ripping them off, steal their Rolodex. It’s called networking. Surprisingly, old people do have “friends,” but you have to act quickly or they might all die on you. All you have to say is “Hi, I’m blah blah blah’s grandson” and they’ll trust you like their proctologist. It’s the perfect crime. By the time the transaction is complete they’ll have already forgotten your name. Some of the elderly might be stubborn and make up stories about how they have ‘real’ reasons for saving their money. If you just rough them up a bit that will be sure to loosen their purse. Bruising their frail skin is almost as rewarding as taking their money, except you can’t spend bruises.

Drunk Links:

• If college-themed porn were real
• Video of a guy walking on water in Vegas
• Hilarious Barney the Dinosaur video remixes
• 50 Dumbest Rockstar Extravagances
• College slip and slide done engineer style
• Man With ‘Drunk’ Bumper Sticker Charged With DUI