Monday, July 24th, 2006
In the face of an emergency, I recommend getting drunk*. The following is a list of crisis or emergency situations you may find yourself in and how being drunk will help out.
Earthquake: In an earthquake you should get smashed because, well, you’ll probably get smashed by falling objects. And if you do, what better way to protect yourself then the superhuman strength that has been scientifically proven to result from consuming alcoholic beverages?
Terrorist Attack: You’re sitting at home calmly sipping a Budweiser when your neighbors house explodes into flames. Not only that, but a cloud of anthrax is coming towards you followed by a convoy of militant Hummer driving suicide bombers. What should you do? Pound that beer! Then, using the empty aluminum can as a weapon, save America!
Snakes on a Plane: You’re trapped on a plane when you realize something is wrong. Very wrong. The in-flight movie is announced - it’s Snakes on a Plane. We all knew the movie would suck balls so the faster you can suck back a six pack the faster you can start making ’ssss’ sounds and other rude gestures at the hot stewardess.
A Crazy Dude in a Tank: Someone has commandeered a tank and is driving it through your city! (oh noez!!!) The cops are following and don’t know what to do. The answer is simple, grab your choice of beer and work out that liver muscle of yours. Then, grab your car keys and hit the freeway for a little game of chicken with the tank. Everybody knows the drunk driver never dies in an accident.
The Roof is On Fire: Oh snaaaaap! Pour me a shot because I’m bout to break it down in this bitch! It doesn’t matter how much people mock you when you’re drunk dancing because the roof is on fire!
Some people would say that these aren’t really “emergency” situations. Well what would you consider a “real” emergency then smartypants? Oh. Running out of beer? Good one. Damn. I guess that’s the only emergency situation that can’t be solved by drinking, but can be solved by driving to the store. There you go, Drunk University saves America again.
*Of course, in the face of a day at the office, a day of the big event, or even a day of the year, I recommend getting drunk.
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