Those at the bottom of the economic ladder always complain that the reason they are there is that they are discriminated against, not given the same opportunities, and fed sterility pills in their water supply. With the exception of that last one, this is simply not true. Business opportunities are everywhere.

For example, when rich or middle class white people go on vacation, what do they do? They hop in the family mobile home, leaving their home empty. Sometimes they even rent a mobile home. And where do poor white people live? In mobile homes. In case you don’t see it, this is the perfect opportunity for a poor white person to rob the fuck out of some rich neighbors.

Which reminds me of something else that has always baffled me. Hard working suburbanites, save their money all year for vacation…then, when the big day comes…they pack up their oldest clothes and leave behind all the creature comforts they have worked so hard for, and they take off to PRETEND THEY ARE HOMELESS. I think they call it C-A-M-P-I-N-G!

I never understand that. Why leave behind your comfy bed to sleep on the dirt? Why leave behind all the good food in the fridge to make hobo stew over a fire? Why leave behind a perfectly good toilet to crap in the woods? Unless you are taking a couple hot 16-year-olds into the woods with a couple cases of beer you have no reason!

So go ahead, hike the great outdoors. Leaves the mall available for my hike.

Drunk Links:

• Vote for Sexy Sumlee for Miss High Times!
• Learn how to overclock a $6 toothbrush
• Jackass Number 2 is the #1 movie in America
• You will get your face punched for calling someone a “loser” or “whore” even if you’re rich
• The Top 5 Most Ineffective Anti-Drug PSA’s of All Time
• Lewis Black on bad language
• Clubs Like their Girls Young, Drunk - what a coincidence, so do I!

Steve Irwin passed away this weekend and the whole world wept, except for me. And not because I didn’t enjoy watching The Crocodile Hunter yell, “Crikey” as he fingered an alligator’s cloaca to determine it’s gender, but because my eyes were incapable of tearing anymore.

Someone more important in my life passed away on August 27th. He took his own life. He was a father, a husband, and most important — a pornstar famous for his split stream ejaculations.

John Dough, born Chet Anuszek, was the star of the first porno movie I ever owned, The World’s Luckiest Man. He wrote and directed the film in which there was no dialogue and he had sex with 101 women. That’s right 101! A Ménage à (insert French word for whole lot of pussy).

So rest in peace, John Dough. Your life meant something and your work will live forever. And I’m sure you’re in heaven banging broads right now. Yes, I can see it. There’s so many halos around your waist it looks like you’re using a slinky as a belt.

And I’m sure Steve Irwin is up there with you. Maybe even watching… “Crikey! Notice that the alpha male is surrounded by the females. And wowsers! Look at all that ejaculate. There was so much volume that his urethra acted more like a double barreled shotgun. Let’s go in for a closer look…”

Drunk Links:

• Work sucks…life sucks…you gotta die sometime
• Maybe chemistry is good for something afterall
• Of course this doesn’t really matter when you spend your entire paycheck on booze…
• Make your own drunk infomercial
• Play some stupid arcade games or add them to your MySpace
• Sexy Maxim photoshoot

Joke of the Day:

Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
A. Place to hang their air freshener.

Q. What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

A girlfriend of mine invited me to a party at an NBA player’s house (it wasn’t Kobe)! When we got there one of the guys we met was handing out $100 bills for every jello shot we took. He claims that he wasn’t just giving money away and that all his “donations” were tax deductible. Needless to say, we got a little drunk.

The house was humongous with a gigantic pool and a grotto (for those of you too uncultured to know what a grotto is, it’s essentially a cave with a jacuzzi). We all wanted to get in the water, but I didn’t bring a swim suit! Fortunately, the girl I just met, Ami, brought her bikini so we decided to split it. She got the bottom half, and I got the top.

All of a sudden another girl ran out screaming that we all had to be topless. I didn’t want to be rude…so I took off my top too and put it around the basketball player’s neck. Pretty soon everyone was naked in the jacuzzi. It was so small that you couldn’t move without touching ass.

“So, do you have sex with men or women or both?” said Ami. I told her “men,” but then we started making out and I started to reconsider my preference. We went to the back of the grotto where it was dark and had a little underwater groping. Then, I took one of the guy’s shorts so I wasn’t completely naked…

I gotta go out now. I’ll finish the rest of this story next week if you guys are interested…

Drunk Links:

• The only “historical” beer cans I have are from 2 years ago
• San Diego Comedy - drunks can watch drunk comics
• Star’s Beer of the Week
• New drunk girl pictures right here on DrunkU
• Some college sluts that I know you’ll love

Joke of the Day:

Q: Why don’t they teach driver’s education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They don’t want to wear out the camel.