TOP TEN NON-SLUTTY COSTUME IDEAS
10. Kunta Kinte
9. Jesus in a chastity belt
8. Elephant Man on acid
7. Inebriated pig farmer
6. A chunk of Natalee Ann Holloway
5. Afghani maid
4. An insect expert who examines rotting girls’ carcasses
3. One of 72 virgins
2. Duke Lacrosse Stripper
1. Suicide bomber’s girlfriend

TOP TEN WORST HALLOWEEN TREATS
10. Toad turds
9. Mad cow disease
8. Fruit of any kind
7. Monopoly money
6. Spare change
5. Previously chewed Charleston Chews
4. Old Van Halen Records
3. Rabbit punch
2. Toothbrush (there’s a fuckin’ dentist on every block)
1. Donkey punch

TOP FIVE PHRASES TO USE INSTEAD OF TRICK OR TREAT!
5. Is your daughter home?
4. Make with the candy, bitch!
3. Let me tell you about the time God spoke to me through a gypsy moth
2. Give me anything but Smarties and Candy Corn, douche bag
1. Aren’t you a little old to be handing out candy?

TOP TEN CHEAPEST HALLOWEEN COSTUMES
10. Chinchilla rapist
9. A smelly Quaker
8. Nick Nolte – just puke on yourself
7. Birthday suit
6. Your current boyfriend
5. Nelly – just buy a band aid and apply to your face…it’s getting hot in here so take off your band-aid
4. Your ex-boyfriend
3. A Rabbi
2. Every dude you’ve dated or ever will date
1. Scrotum hanging out of your zipper guy

TOP TEN THINGS TO PUT IN CANDY BESIDES RAZORS BLADES
10. T ‘n’ T pop and snaps
9. MDMA
8. Rusty fish hooks
7. Agent Orange
6. Lojack
5. Expired ham cubes
4. Habanero pepper seeds
3. Ass hairs
2. Anti-war propaganda in the form of a tiny comic strip featuring Protest Sign Joe
1. Ass hairs with dingleberries

TOP TEN REASONS I DON’T HAND OUT CANDY FOR HALLOWEEN
10 year old Shakira
9 year old Gigantica
8 year old Tinkerbell
7 year old Pocahontas
6 year old Wonder Woman
5 year old Sheena
4 year old Daphne from Scooby Doo
3 year old Dolly Parton
2 year old lady bug
1 year old Marilyn Monroe

TOP TEN FAVORITE HALLOWEEN ACTIVITIES
10. Traumatizing little children with my Dead Winnie the Pooh being raped by Tigger diorama
9. Celebrating the coming of our Dark Lord with Silly String and Xanex white bars
8. Going around at 3 a.m. and quietly pinching a loaf on my neighbor’s lawn
7. Drinking until I forget the crushing reality of no longer being a child
6. Passing out condoms and Kama Sutra pamphlets to trick or treaters and giving their parents a big wink and a slap on the ass
5. Pretending I’m an Ogre and beating people to death with a club in order to eat their bones
4. TPing Muslim Mosques3. Masturbating to Jack O Lantern porn carvings
2. Reliving my childhood Halloweens by locking myself in the basement with the dead mice and the Koran
1. Smoking bowls, eating all the candy, staying up all night, and watching that real estate infomercial with the two midget twins

TOP TEN WORST HALLOWEEN COSTUMES
10. Sniper shooting a third grader
9. Green Peace petitioners
8. Rally monkey
7. Raider Fan
6. Judge Joe Brown in a unitard
5. Yourself with a mustache
4. Superman in a wheel chair
3. Pregnant nun (so trite!)
2. Cunt pimple girl
1. WTC 9/11 guy

TOP 10 THINGS A WITCHES BROOM HANDLE SMELLS LIKE
10. Toto’s butthole
9. A witches tit
8. Gargamel’s balls
7. Grandma’s house
6. Nads
5. Low tide
4. Icabod’s crane
3. Wicked witch of the yeast
2. Astro-glide
1. Flying monkey’s cock

TOP FIVE PORNO SPOOFS OF HORROR MOVIES
5. Night of the Living Dykes
4. Evil Head
3. Barnyard gangbang on Elm Street
2. Friday the 13 inches of Black Cock
1. Texas Anal Bead Massacre

TOP TEN REASONS YOU CAN’T HAND OUT CANDY
10. You’re Jewish (cuz you don’t celebrate pagan holidays you anti-Semite!)
9. Your fatass ate it all
8. Your hands were ripped off in ‘Nam
7. You’re pagan and feel the holiday has been over-commercialized
6. You’re stuck to the floor from a recent Bukkake session
5. Too busy taking snapshots of all the hotties trick or treating
4. Court Order that keeps you 100 feet away from all the hotties trick or treating
3. Too busy stressing over the Terrorist Alert Yellow safety status
2. You’re a homeless piece of shit
1. Too busy leaning out your white cream van and aiming for kill shots

TOP TEN HALLOWEEN COSTUMES FOR GUYS
10. Drunk pimp with an oversized afro
9. Pothead – there’s always an idiot wearing kitchenware
8. God’s gift to women - a box addressed from God, to women
7. Ghost of Yankee pitcher
6. Clown rapist
5. Duff Man
4. Slim Jim
3. Jizm Guy
2. Kung Fool
1. bin Laden on ecstasy

TOP TEN HALLOWEEN COSTUMES FOR LADIES
10. Power Puff Girl Slut
9. Slutty Little Bo Peep
8. Rabbit slut
7. Slutty Catholic priestess
6. Xena the Warrior Slut
5. Slutty Angel
4. Coked out Bride of Frankenstein slut
3. Slutty Nicole Kidman
2. Coked out Butterfly slut
1. Slutty Mother Teresa

Joke of the Day:

Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged

Q. What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?
A. You can eat your mom’s apple pie.

TOP TEN REASONS YOU SHOULD WEAR A COSTUME TO CLASS ON THE 31ST
10. Extra credit
9. Now you can wear that banana suit to school
8. You suck at being yourself
7. Teacher can’t tell if you’re high
6. You can whack it under the sheet
5. Teacher can’t tell if you’re cheating
4. You can inconspicuously stare at fictitious jub jubs in a mask
3. …and twins!
2. Everyone will think your family is poor if you don’t have a costume
1. You’re John Karr

TOP 8 THINGS YOU SHOULD DO IF A BLACK CAT CROSSES YOUR PATH
8. Pull a “Rodney King for Cats” on its ass
7. Say “Naughty Pussy” and punch it in the face
6. Step on a crack and break your mother’s back to even it out
5. Paint a white stripe on it and watch Pepe Lepeui try to fuck it long and hard
4. Choke it to death with spilled salt
3. Take that black pussy home and eat it (Cuz you’re a Szechuan chef)
2. Smash it with a mirror
1. Stuff it down your pants and walk under a ladder

TOP FIVE SIGNS DRACULA WASN’T GAY
5. Never looked in the mirror
4. Didn’t like wood steak
3. He’s in the coffin
2. He always wanted suck blood, which implied he enjoyed performing cunnilingus on menstruating women
1. Didn’t fuck Cory Feldman when he had the chance

TOP FIVE SIGNS DRACULA WAS GAY
5. Talked with a suspicious lisp
4. Slept all day, partied all night
3. Huge fan of clown rape
2. Only bit necks of mushroom heads
1. Raped Frankenstein and his monster

TOP 10 SHITTIEST THINGS ABOUT HALLOWEEN
10. Drunk driving much more challenging with all the kids out
9. Christmas
8. Beer bong tube can’t fit through mask hole
7. Getting a ten year olds makeup off your thighs
6. Hookah tube can’t fit through mask hole
5. Accidentally hitting on dudes dressed in drag when you’re drunk
4. Coming to terms with your crippling fear of children
3. Going to jail dressed in drag and not drunk
2. Sharing candy
1. Being one of thirty disco pimps at the party

Joke of the Day:

Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A. A bloody waste of f*%king time.

Q. Why is a woman’s pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

A Proper Guide to Halloween Costumes

Halloween has always been a benchmark time. It’s the point in the school year where, if you haven’t gotten laid, it’s time to start thinking about some desperate fatties. Because, frankly, any dude can get some in the first 6-10 weeks of school, unless he’s a pussy. I should know, I frequently don’t get laid until well past October, and I am the world’s biggest talking vagina. I’m still better than you, though.

Anyway, if you’re having trouble getting your bones jumped, everybody knows Halloween is the right time to cure your bedroom batting slump. It’s a formula for romance- meeting drunk people, seeing lots of skin, clutching the stranger next to you while cops unfurl a barrage of firebombs through your tenement window.

It’s a known Halloween fact that the people who get laid are the people who have the best costumes. Remember that one comic book where Superman went to the Justice League Ball dressed as Dr. Doom? Remember how he got all the pussy that night, and eventually had to use Kryptonite forceps to terminate Wonder Woman’s unwanted Super-pregnancy? Remember that? If you’ve never read comic books, it’s no wonder you have trouble getting laid. But, for serious though, the key to costume success is originality. Which is why I’ve decided to share with you E-Dawg’s Top Original Best Awesome Costume Ideas, which is a list I keep in the journal in which I write when I feel like I’m going crazy. On to the costumes:

Costumes For the Fellas:
3. This year, I’m gonna put a bunch of cuts on my arms, do a really bad job of putting on mascara, then slip on my tight “Death Cab for Cutie” tee. That’s right, this year, I’ve decided to go as “emo.”

2. This year’s second-best idea for a costume is “dead Superman.” Wear a superman costume, sit in a wheelchair, and have someone push you around all night while you pretend to be dead.

1. While both of these costumes are sure to get you in the sack, nothing pulls in the punani-tang like the #1 best costume for dudes this year, “Creepy Twenty-Something White Guy Who Probably Shouldn’t Be Trick-or-Treating by Himself in the Dark near Small Children.” Always a popular costume, and it works year-round.

Costumes For the Straight-Up Bitches:
3. God, all you stupid bitches just want to be what you aren’t, so this year’s number three costume is “Chick who has a remote grasp on reality.” The costume goes like this- you show up on time, you don’t bitch about anything in your personal life, you don’t bug the shit out of me… and you put out.

2. This year, the easiest and second-bestest costume to pull off is “American Idol Contestant.” It’s so simple- it takes virtually no effort to throw some vomit on your dress and go out on the town. Good luck passing for 16, though.

1. While going as either an American Idol wash-up, or as a woman who’s “not crazy” are both exotic ways to disguise yourself, they won’t be as big of a hit as this year’s number one costume- “Some Drunk Ho.”

For the Couples:
Steve Irwin & Mrs. Crocodile Hunter-
Keeping it current is the key to celebrity impersonation costumes. When you dress as Mr. Crikey, be sure to spend a lot of time creating the fake chest wound. If you can, get a fake manatee, and make it look like it’s sticking through your chest. Every time someone stares at the offensive costume, Mrs. Crocodile Hunter should jump in front of Steve Irwin and scream “No, I don’t think people should be seeing this!”

John F. Kennedy and Jackie O-
Sure, it’s not current, but damn it’s good. John F. Kennedy should wear a suit and have his hair coiffed just-so, in addition to having several gaping bullet wounds oozing from his body. To further re-emphasize that you are dressed as Jack Kennedy, make loud remarks to no one in particular, such as “Honey, get me a transfusion. My blood type is `syphilis,’” or, “When my psychic told me my killer was lurking behind a grassy knoll, I thought she meant syphilis.” Naturally, Jackie O. will look great in her high-class Chanel skirt-suit, which should be covered with splattered blood and JFK’s brain matter. For added effect, Jackie should cry and shriek uncontrollably. There’s nothing more sensual than re-enacting one of America’s most traumatic televised moments with someone you love.

So there you have it, eight great costume ideas that I bet you never thought of. With these neat-o tips, you’ll have no trouble scoring with some chick who’s “dressed up” as a needy, clingy manger. Now get to it!

Joke of the Day:

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing, they’re both stuck up cunts.

Recently I took a Southwest Airlines flight from San Diego to Oakland. As usual I sat in the exit row seats that face each other. My friends and I call these the party seats, because the knee knocking with strangers usually drums up a conversation. They are the most social seats on any commercial air service in the world. People in these seats are also the most hated 12 people in flying because they don’t shut up, and they are usually the only people talking.

I don’t sit in the seats to annoy people, but mainly to pass the time. These conversations typically begin with some Southwest bashing. (If you are ever in need of some good Southwest bashing openers, I have included some suggestions below.)

I am not sure of the exact dimensions of this exit row, but I generously estimate it at 12 inches in width. And on this recent flight I was happy to see that the woman sitting directly opposite me was about 5 feet tall. I began with my favorite Southwest opener, “Southwest sardines, only 200 bucks a can.”
She happily followed suit. “It’s incredible how they squeeze us in..”

And the conversation began. Shortly I had learned that the woman was going to visit her son who attended UC Berkeley, and was on the Crew team. Seeing as she was only 5 feet tall, and being a dick in general I asked, “Oh, is he the coxswain.”

Her face, which hereto had been the pleasant apparition of an upper middle class working mom, slowly tweaked, turned, crinkled, and mashed, until a hateful look shot at me. With a raised indignant voice said, “No my son is not the Coxswain.”

For those of you that have never watched a film about pretentious east coast prep schools…the coxswain in crew is the naggy bitch of the rowing world. The coxswain sits at the bow of the boat, he does not row, he barks instructions at the rowers. Coxswains do nothing but scream and shout at the guys doing all the work. They are small. They are annoying. Nobody knows what they eat. They are just like flies.

Given some truth serum every guy with an oar in his hands would divulge that he hates the coxswain. Rowers would admit that they deserve no credit for any success the team has, that the coxswain isn’t really a part of the team, but more of a heavy hood ornament with a megaphone.
However there is a bizarre unspoken credo among rowers. The essence of that credo is: Never insult the coxswain, never let anyone insult the coxswain, the coxswain is an integral part of the team.
In reality the coxswain’s an annoying little pussy.

Let’s return to the incredulous crew mom. I immediately seized on the moment of weakness this crew mom had shown. Her reaction was one of insult. This meant that she thought less of the position of coxswain, and had admitted it to an outsider. Breakdown.

“I’m sorry is there something wrong with a coxswain?”

“No, no it’s just that he’s not the coxswain, he’s the uh, he rows”

“I’m sorry you were offended, I didn’t know there was anything wrong with being the coxswain, I thought they were important, but by your reaction they seem pretty much hated, that the rowers are the only important people on the team…”

“No, no, they aren’t hated…I just …it’s just that….I didn’t mean to react like that…,” and on and on she went covering the blunder, the breaking of the credo.

But here’s the basic point, when your position in a sport begins with “Cox” you’re pretty much a little bitch. People don’t like you, your team really hates you, and so does everyone else.

Here’s another point, Southwest airlines doesn’t suck, what sucks is the poor whore stewardesses who couldn’t get a job on an airlines with enough computers to handle seat assignments. Southwest stewardesses are the coxswains of the sky. But nobody protects them, there is no credo to stand up for the steardesses. At least people pretend to like coxswains, so please don’t be mean to them.

As promised, here are some Southwest Bashing Conversation Openers:

Southwest…more like southworst.

We made it through the cattle call.

I hate Southwest Airlines.

I hope that bitch doesn’t sing a “fasten your seatbelt” song

Does the FAA know about Southwest.

They pick their peanuts from Delta passengers poo.

I wish they only flew in the Northeast.

Joke of the Day:

Why are men and parking spaces alike?

Because all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are disabled.

1. Quarters are like gold.
2. Two meals a day is standard.
3. Road trip whenever possible.
4. Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.
5. You will begin to nap again. (Who stopped to begin with?)
6. Your bookstore bill will almost equal tuition.
7. Squirt guns=stress relief.
8. Email becomes your second language.
9. College students throw paper airplanes too.
10. You never realized so many people were smarter than you. (Yea, but they were pompous asses who had no social skills and couldn’t party!)
11. Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you’d never know, but you can recite last week’s rerun of Friends verbatim.
12. You will never rent more movies in your life.
13. No one is too old for video games.
14. The health service nurses are there because they couldn’t make it at a real hospital. Never, ever forget that. (That’s no joke! It was always a thrill to tell your nurse what was wrong with you and to tell them what prescription you needed!)
15. Care packages are right up there with birthdays.
16. Campus is only clean for family weekend and freshman orientation.
17. It never sucked so much to get sick.
18. Nothing you want to register for will be open.
19. Beware of the freshman 15.
20. Be creative in the dining hall.
21. Classes: the later the better. (Why can’t work hours be selected like classes?!?)
22. You are no longer thankful that the fire alarms are here to protect you. (NO KIDDING!)
23. Disney movies are more than just classics.
24. Asleep by 2:30 A.M. is an early night.
25. Cereal makes a meal any time of the day.
26. New additions to food groups: Jolt Cola, Ramen, and Pizza.
27. ATMs are the devil’s advocate. (Still are!)
28. Duct tape heals all wounds.
29. Pro Wrestling is suddenly cool again. (no, it’s not, and it never was)
30. Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them even more.
31. Showers become less important, sleep becomes more important.
32. You will eat anywhere that is a buffet.
33. You realize college is the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes. (I’d go back in a second if it weren’t for the classes!)
34. Procrastination is an art form.
35. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires. (Nothing wrong with that)
36. The only time to dress up is when all your jeans are dirty.
37. You’ll eat anything if it’s free. (Still do)
38. College football is the coolest thing on the planet (Basketball if you went to KU).
39. Cartoons are for all ages, especially Scooby Doo.
40. You are never alone.

• The first movie financed by the Internet
• Drunk driver hits amish buggy in early morning crash
• Man escapes prison using laxatives and a butter knife.
• Cool domino effect using coins
• Taco Bell can’t compete with this
• Ashley Paige unveils 2007 swimsuit catalog
• Spring Break University chicks topless

Those of you who read the school newspaper’s “Crime on Campus” section know that I recently went on a campus-wide rampage. The media has portrayed me as a “random psychopath,” and a “victim of the failings of student mental health.” I’m here to state the truth about what happened. It wasn’t “random,” the administrators I socked up were carefully chosen for their incompetence. Although, I probably won’t say that during my trial.

Administrator 1: Student Legal Services. This guy’s supposed to help me, by using the law, right? But he took out a restraining order against me - how does that help me? I threw a brick through his window and hit him, right in the nuts.

Administrator 2: Student health official. My girlfriend checked into Student Health with a floater. I don’t know what the fuck they did to her, but her stitches were real sloppy.

Administrator 3: Student Advisor. I went to my student advisor to clear the last 6 credits I needed to graduate. He enrolled me in the Preuss School for retarded kids. Worst of all, retarded school only gives me 1 credit.

Administrator 4: The guy who rings me up at the Student Grocery. Okay, maybe this guy didn’t deserve it. But they hired a retarded kid to bag the groceries. He does a really bad job, and totally smashes my stuff, but I certainly can’t sock him up, now can I? That would be ungentlemanly.

Administrator 5: The Janitor. Dude, this guy cleans my dorm suite every Monday. It’s cool…sometimes I smoke a doob with him, and he takes out my trash can. But last Monday, May 1, he didn’t show up for some stupid reason. It sucked- the night before we flooded our bathrooms, so we could slide across them on our stomachs. But, because my fucking janitor didn’t show up, I had to live in the swampy mess AND smoke an entire bean by myself.

Administrator 6: My Football Coach. This dude’s always riding my ass, telling me to leave practice just because I have “roid rage.” It’s not even a real disease. Plus, coach is telling me not to smoke on the field. He’s not even paying attention- smoking relaxes me, and allows me to focus upon the person who I am about to kill. Plus, there’s nothing like sacking the cube, then burning holes in his face with my mouth.

Administrator 7: The Librarian. Yeah, the papers said I only assaulted six people. But they don’t know about this guy. My student library is really nice- it’s large, and air-conditioned, and books can keep you warm at night, so I decided to live there. But one night, I found this librarian living in the fourth floor men’s restroom- that’s my bedroom, buddy. So, I punched him in his sleep, and ran away.

I ask any one of you to tell me that you HAVEN’T felt like punching these assholes in the head. Well, unlike you hippies, I did it. And that’s what true red-blooded Americans do. Punch people in the head. Where’s my parade, bitches? Look, if I don’t get a parade, I will punch you. I want lots of frilly pink confetti, too.