What’s up with all the dorks on campus using roller backpacks? And by dorks I mean moms and old ladies. I hate moms and old ladies, especially when they’re in my class.

Their is this one grey haired MILK (Mother I’d Like to Kill) in my English class and yesterday she raised her hand during the professor’s discussion of Edith Wharton’s The Age of Innocence to share a story how “her boyfriend came back from Vietnam but she didn’t even want to see him because she wanted to keep her memory of him untainted.” Vietnam? I wasn’t even born yet bitch so shut the fuck up.

Listen grandma, you should have went to college thirty years ago. What’s the point of getting an education now? Nobody’s going to hire your liver-spotted ass except for Carl’s Jr. Don’t tell stories about your kids or your past lovers. I don’t care! The class doesn’t care! The professor doesn’t fucking care and he wants you to put your hand down and shut the fuck up!

Back to roller backpacks. You’re going to class, lady–not an international flight! If you can’t wear your backpack like a normal human being because you have a bad back, then maybe you should stay at home and bake cookies. And don’t drag your roller backpack down stairs like a dead Russian hooker. And stick to smooth, flat surfaces. For Christ’s sake, those little wheels were not meant for parking lots or brick pathways.

Okay, I’m exhausted. Check in next week for my article on Perverted Professors (or Why I Hate Hot Chicks)

Oh, and if you want to read another article like this one, check out how to make money off old people. That’s right, I’m a very hateful person.

Bringing extra Scantrons for hot chicks on exam day has been my favorite mack tactic since the advent of this Reportable Exam/Test Answer Recording Device (R.E.T.A.R.D.)

Here’s how it went down at the end of Fall semester for me…

I brought five extra Scantrons and arrived to history class fifteen minutes early.

“Oh shit, I forgot to get a f***in’ Scantron!”

Ooh, she’s feisty. Papa is pleased.

“Hey, kick back, blondie. I got everything you need.”

“What?” she said to me as some lesbian handed the honey hole an extra Scantron.

Damn cock-blocking lesbo!

About five minutes later. I noticed a tender baby in back looking around confused at the sea of Scantrons.

“Shit!”

There went the bobber. Now for the old yank and reel.

“Say no more, sugarbush. I believe you will be needing one of these.”

She sat in amazement as I handed her the bait. She couldn’t believe I knew what she needed. A bimbo, indeed.

“So I don’t know about you but I’m going to get really loaded after this thing. You wanna grab a pitcher at the pub and learn more about each other?”

“Gee, I don’t know….”

“Come on, buttercup, play with me.”

“You did give me a Scantron. Well, OK, meet me in the hall when you’re done.”

“What makes you think I won’t be done first, sugarplum?”

About half way through my test I saw her packing up to leave. Slut! I had no choice, so I bubbled in “C” on the last forty seven problems.

I rushed out to meet her in the hall and she wasn’t there.

I’m taking History again this Spring and I think I learned my lesson: Before you hand over a Scantron, make sure you at least get a stinky pinky.

Newly Submitted Photos

Ladies, we all know you are going to get mad at your man for something on Valentine’s Day, be it his bad cooking, bad breath, or bad memory so here are some jokes to lessen the blow:

What’s the fastest way to a guy’s heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why are guys and parking spaces all alike?
Because all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are disabled.

Why do guys always want to have sex with virgins?
They can’t take the criticism.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for guys than for women?
When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

P.S. You can now check out Drunk University on Technorati: Technorati Profile

Yo yo yo. When I think of romance and Valentine’s Day I think of the sexiest man alive… Ice “Doughboy” Cube. His views on women and making love are immortalized in his song lyrics and in his theatrical lines. Don’t be surprised if you find the following Valentine’s Day candy hearts in a card this February 14th.

Black History month is coming quicker than Kobe in a Colorado Hotel and I can’t wait. I’ll be posting a weekly tribute to our African American brethren so be sure to tune in for the latest updates.

Here’s a small taste of what’s to come.

Michael Richards remix

Maya Angelou’s unpublished poems

An excerpt from OJ Simpson’s book

Thomas Jefferson endorsing a few new products

Emmanual Lewis and his Webster’s Dictionary

And much much more….

Another 1 Question Interview, with Ice Cupid:

DU: Yo, Ice Cupid, why is it every time you talk about a female you gotta say bitch, ho, or hootchie?

Ice Cupid: ‘Cause that’s what you are.

Are you interested in going into politics? Bryan Barton will help YOU learn all you need to know about kissing babies. If you have any other questions, email ‘em.