There are pick-up lines, bad pick-up lines, and then there are puppies. That’s right-cute and cuddly creatures that no girl can resist. “Oooh look how cute he is,” “What’s his name?” “How old is he?” “What breed is he?”

Three standard questions which inevitably lead to three reciprocating inquiries. “What’s your name?” “Can I get your number?” “How old are you?”

Each question is answered accordingly. “His name is Marley,” “Yeah, he is a Black Lab,” and “Only four months old,” followed by, “Susie,” “Sure,” and “Almost eighteen.”

My complaint, however, is not against legitimate pet owners, but against opportunists who use puppies merely to compensate for their own social inabilities.

Have you ever noticed that nobody ever brings a dog to any social event but there’s always one guy who brings a puppy. Speaking of which, what happens to all of these puppies anyhow? Are they leased out for six-month periods then traded in for a nice new young puppy? Does a canine dealer like this really exist out there? Is it called a pound?

Men figured out early on that puppies equal chicks. So it should be no surprise that each party was visited by at least five guys armed with puppies. It wasn’t long, though, before the puppy had become commonplace and trite. Simply put, shallow men were forced too find innovative ways to attract unsuspecting women.

Yes, puppies have been exploited-but the rest of the animal kingdom is there for the taking. Parrots and cockatoos become shoulder pads and Boa Constrictors make for ideal neckwear. The Goth guy dressed in black has a white mouse in his shirt pocket and the stoner has an iguana on a leash.

Not only are these practices transparent, but cruel. Animals were not put on this Earth to be exploited by socially inept men. And so we, women, must unite and shun these men who use innocent animals as fashion accessories.

Bryan Barton teaches you how to cross the border.

When a human dies, it is said that person becomes ‘awakened’. This phrase allows a non-corpse banger to begin to understand the complex logic and rationalization behind necrophilia. I had the opportunity to sit down with a local necrophiliac and discuss the unique concept of corpse sex in order to comprehend and appreciate this fascinating fetish.

DrunkU: Hello! Whew, I almost killed myself getting over here.

Derek: Too bad.

DrunkU: Well, let’s dig in. Is it true that most stiff stickers work in a hospital morgue or nursing home?

Derek: Not necessarily. Granted these are terrific places to locate fresh prospects. But when a body turns up
missing or severely disfigured, the employees are instantly scrutinized and questioned by the
authorities. Ideally, a necromancer would want to possess his very own mortuary complete with
adjustable lighting fixtures and sheepskin carpets.

DrunkU: On average, how long does it take to reach a climax with a cadaver?

Derek: In the perfect scenario, one could sex it up all night long. But most times, you have to hurry ‘cause
the cemetery workers make their rounds every twenty minutes or so. The trick is to leave two
bottles of Early Times Whisky by the mausoleum door. That way, the workers are too damn
loaded to patrol the grounds.

DrunkU: Are dead children off limits?

Derek: That is necrophilic pedophilia. I don’t know nothin’ about that.

DrunkU: Not even dead teenagers?

Derek: Well, I’m like every other male. If there is grass on the field, I certainly will play ball.

DrunkU: What about dead mountain yaks?

Derek: Man, that ain’t necrophilia. Dead humans only. I’m ending this idiotic correspondence.

DrunkU: C’mon, chief. I only have a couple more questions. Please. Do it for the sake of necro notoriety.

Derek: This is it, dude.

DrunkU: What about cold meat that is really decomposed or mangled?

Derek: There is an old adage in this game that goes, ‘The deader the corpse, the sweeter the screw.’

DrunkU: What does a dead person’s personal skin feel like? I mean is it dusty? Are lubricants needed?

Derek: It is raw and coarse like a cat’s tongue and flaky like a dry scalp. Spit, motor oil, or my personal favorite, Clamato, can all be used as lubricants.

DrunkU: Thanks, Derek.

In case we ever die in a firey explosion you’ll know what to put on our tombstones.

Physicists, chemists, leading scientists and my mother have all been proven wrong this past weekend when Nigel King of Enon Ohio found two identical snowflakes while making margaritas in his Snoopy Snow Cone Machine. Although some in the scientific community are calling the particles mere slivers of ice, they do contend that they are identical.

“The odds of having two snowflakes be exactly alike are astronomical,” according to Professor Chris O’Byrne of SDSU. “It’s like flipping a coin five times in a row and having it comes up tails every time.”

The two snowflakes are unavailable for further scientific investigation. In an apparent accident, or Illuminati conspiracy according to Nigel, the doppelganger snowflakes were doused with tequila, salt, mixer and accidentally consumed.

Over the next twenty-four hours, Nigel will be carefully collecting his void and freezing his samples in the hopes of recreating the amazing identical snowflakes to show the world.

And it was all thanks to a great product from the guys over and Milton Bradley. Way to go guys, solving man’s biggest quandaries and all. You too can purchase your Snoopy Snow Cone machine and pan for gold now for only $19.95!*

*Gold is a metaphor for identical snowflakes.

First, Zombie Albert Einstein did the Apple “Think Like a Douchebag” campaign, and now he is releasing a new alcoholic beverage that will appeal to his ever-growing fanbase. We have the exclusive look at some of the new marketing materials for Einsteineken:

Why play regular boring Jenga when you can play Drunk Jenga and get friggin wasted.

In order to transform your Jenga game into an official Drinking Jenga set, you will need the following: a pen.

Upon each Jenga piece, you will write a “rule”. Everyone’s Drinking Jenga set, therefore, is unique. Over the years, however, and after much research I have found that the following breakdown for the 54 wooden pieces works the best.

5 “Left Drinks”

That is the person to your left-hand side drinks when you pull out this Jenga piece.

5 “Right Drinks”

See above…

5 “Give a Drink”

Tell anyone playing to take a drink. And by anyone I mean a hot chick!

3 “Take a Drink”

That means you drink!

6 “P&D Left”

Where P&D stands for “Piece and Drink”. More specifically, give the person to your Left your removed Jenga piece to place upon the stack and they (not you) take a drink. Also, if they knock it over while putting it on the stack they are the responsible party.

6 “P&D Right”

See above…

6 “P&D Anyone”

As you can probably figure out, give the piece and the drink together to someone. And yes, by someone we do mean a hot chick.

3 “One Eye Next”

Take a drink. Then close one eye and try to place the piece back on the Jenga stack. Also, the next player’s whole turn is played with only one eye open.

3 “Drink & Again”

Drink. Put the piece back on the stack, and if you didn’t screw up go again.

3 “Switch”

Or switch the clockwise/counterclockwise orientation of play.

3 “Other Hand”

First take a drink. Then for one complete cycle of the table, everyone, including you, must use their other hand to both remove and stack Jenga pieces.

1 “Take a Shot”

The worst piece you could have pulled

1 “Give a Shot”

The best piece you could have pulled. Of course, give the shot to a hot chick.

2 “One eye & Other Hand Next Person”

Self-explanatory

1 “Waterfall”

The person after you can’t stop drinking until you stop and the person after him can’t stop until he stops, and so on…

1 “Pound your Drink”

Ouch!

Well that is 54 pieces all decorated with the instructions to sheer happiness. Depending upon your company that evening though, you may prefer different commandments. I have seen such pieces as “Remove an Article of Clothing” or “Get Naked” or “Kiss Left”, and the list goes on…

Before you play let me stress the importance of negative reinforcement. The drunken cluts who knocks over the Jenga stack must be punished accordingly, i.e. he/she must take a shot of something extremely powerful such as tequila. This harsh rule assures everyone that the game will be played seriously and with conviction.

Remember, no one’s turn should ever be skipped. For example, if we are going counter-clockwise and I pull a “P&D Right” the guy to my right drinks and places the piece on the stack; then assuming that he is successful, it is the person to my left’s turn. Get it??? Good luck and have fun.