As a writer for Drunk University, I am mailed scores upon scores of death threats. So, you can imagine my alarm when I received several pieces of fan mail. It seems people want my advice on several college-related subjects, such as how to make a bong using items you’d find in a standard jail cell, and how to perform CPR on a dog when it has a mouthful of peanut butter.

Well, fuck you, fan mail, I don’t have time to give out free advice. Why can’t these people just threaten to kill my family- a message which requires absolutely no response from me? They obviously just don’t care.

Since I’m certainly not going to answer any of your questions, I decided to ask them to all the mega-famous people that I know and who know me, including Britney Spears, George Clooney, Richard Gere, and Anna Nicole Smith. I think you’ll find that their take on college life can be quite illuminating and incriminating. Off to the mailbag!

This first fan question is asked by Mary Madsen, of Berkeley, CA. I decided to ask it to none other than Britney Spears.

Mary writes:

“Hey, E-Dawg, what college did you go to? Cuz you write like a simian.”

Britney Spears Answers:

“Howdy, Mary. I’ve never been called “E-Dawg,” before, and I must say I’m a mess of confused by it. As for your question, the answer is “Yes, I went to many colleges.” Last year I did a tour and I went to NYU and Rutgers and the entire Ivory League. And, just last month I graduated with a degree in rehabilitation. The next college I plan to attend will be Virginia Tech. I’m doing some kinda benefit concert up there. Gee, I sure hope some of that charity money will go to the victims of that terrible Alabama school shootin’ disaster. Bye Y’all!”

Wow, Britney Spears can really get to the heart of an issue. No wonder her poetry has inspired a generation. Unfortunately, at this point, Britney Spears fell down and did not get up for several hours. So I had to ask the next question to my good friend, Richard Gere. This question is from Tad Timov, of Menlo Park, New Jersey.
“Dear E-Dawg, I don’t know how to say this but, I’m shy around girls I like. Any tips on how to score with women?”

Richard Gere Comments:

“Ha ha- you called me E-dawg! I don’t get it. In my illustrious career as an internationally acclaimed actor, supermodel spouse, and a general butt-felcher, I have gotten pretty skilled at dating and licking girls.

If you really want to impress a gorgeous lady, simply get her to be your co-host at an Indian Aids show. In my mind, nothing gets the ladies hotter than AIDS fundraisers, especially if they give out awards, which they usually don’t.
My final Richard Gere Love Tip is to strike first. Grab the one you love, and then lick her until the cops pull you off. That’s the only way to show a woman true devotion, especially after I’ve had at least one bottle of scotch.”

At this point, Richard Gere became unavailable for comment when he licked an Eskimo model and his tongue got stuck to her. I had to ask my next question to George Clooney. The question is from Chester Langtree, of Terrapin, NV. Chester asks,

“Hey E-dawg, what’s the most beer you’ve ever shotgunned in one blast? My buddies dropped a hose off the Empire State Building, and poured a pony keg in the funnel. I was holding the other end of the hose at ground level. The beer hit my throat so hard, I dislocated two vertebrae. I thought this was a lot of beer, but then my one buddy said he heard you had flown to Kuala Lumpur to shotgun from the world’s tallest building.

Then, my other friend said he heard that wasn’t enough for you, so you chartered a hot air balloon, and took a full keg in one shot! My other friend said he heard you had Buzz Aldrin fly a really long garden hose to the moon, and when Buzz Aldrin poured the beer into the funnel, the gravity made it reverse direction and all the beer hit Buzz Aldrin in the face! We didn’t believe him though, that guy is a noob! So what’s your record? How much can you pound?”

George Clooney Says:

“Using my astute powers of deduction, I conclude that you must be that guy who is going around asking everyone if they are E-Dawg. No, I am not an E-Dawg.”

George Clooney, always an illuminating guy, and what stories! I gave my final question to my personal acquaintance, one with whom I keep in touch every day, Anna Nicole Smith. It’s from Derby Jacobs, of Rome, Georgia.

“E-Dawg, are there any other dangers of unprotected sex besides AIDS? Like, will wet n wild girls give me some kind of pee-pee damage? My foreskin looks kinda like a rainbow afro wig, and I was wondering if it’s because of that time I masturbated while on acid, or if that clown hooker did me dirty.”

Anna Nicole Smith Shouts:

“First of all, my name’s not E-Dawg, k? Second of all, I’m, like, really busy right now, bein’ trapped alive in a coffin. Please help. I’ll send you a picture of spring break girls flashing, and I promise not to be in it. Just get me out of here- I’m runnin’ out of air and Oreos.”

Lol, Anna Nicole Smith’s jokes certainly show off her sparklingly quick wit. Unfortunately, those are all the questions I received, which is a shame because I totally had many even more famous people lined up to share their experiences. Well, maybe next time, if I get more fan mail. But hopefully not, because I hate my fans and every single person who’s ever read one of my articles. And my therapist.

Toodles!

E-Dawg

Bryan Barton, Extreme Moderator asks the tough questions. Watch this video and find out what they are!

It’s Dune Murderous of Defamation League here with your ANNUAL MOVIES IN REVIEW. Here we cover all the movies that matter – the ones I watched.

Aqua Teen Movie:

Crap. I’m a huge fan of the show and have seen every episode in the first 4 seasons at least 25 times. It was like an hour and a half of plot that was suggested by the loudest, dumbest douchebag in the “who’s line is it anyway?” audience.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force? More like Aqua Bean Bunghole Farts. Okay, I regret typing that last sentence, but not as much as I regret having watched that movie.

I give it ½ Star for the intro scene (which is on YouTube).

Grindhouse:

Definitely worth the money, first off, it actually was a movie-going “experience” and second of Rodriguez and Tarantino? Hell yeah! Surprisingly, I loved Rodriquez’s “Planet Terror” way more than old Quint’s “Deathproof.”

This whole ordeal is over three hours and being a drunk and bringing two flasks into the theater I managed to pee 6 times! Yeah!

I give it 5 Stars (it was two movies for the price of one without having to sneak into a second theater!)

300:

Everyone on the planet has already seen this movie…so…see it again and again and again. Here’s the plot: scantily-clad European men with bodies to die for sweatily battle it out on a Mediterranean coast.

So fucking awesome; gives Return of the King a run for its money. If the queen of Sparta was played by Elvira, this would be the best movie ever.

I give it 4 Stars (because if I give it 5 you’ll think I’m gay and I’m not damn it!)

Ah, the hangover that is the day after the day after a couple days after 4/20. I swear, on April 21st through 23rd I get so drunk that it could be a Saturday…one…really long Saturday. On 4/20 I spent the whole day thinking about how much I loved America and Freedom while hitting on both doobies and girls at the beach. Peace and love and all that crap for one day, but then I had to drive my sorry ass back to good ol’ BoozeTown, USA where I regained my hatred for mankind.

While I wasn’t passed out over the last couple days, I was writing about all the drunken wisdom I have compiled over the last ten years (or 4 minutes - we report, you decide!). It may be a couple days too soon for you after 4/20, but you weren’t going to listen to my years of wisdom anyway so don’t even front. Here you go!

Rex’s Drunk Wisdom

1. We all regret some drunken hook ups, but NEVER get fisted by the Incredible Hulk.

2. The best place for a male to hide a flask is in a very large sock.

3. Set an egg timer prior to drunken sex. Once it goes off, stop no matter what for the sake of both your genitals the next day. (Note: try 50 minutes for straight sex, 25 for gay sex and 2 hours of lesbian sex).

4. While drunk, only urinate in toilets if you have no other option.

5. Your brain is an amazing organ that can reassign tasks and uses of damaged brain cells to functional ones, so have a little ether every now and then.

6. Drinking doesn’t make you look cool, but not drinking makes you an idiot.

7. Nothing is more loveable than a drunk. Goddamn it you know it’s true woman!

8. If you don’t like the taste of your beer, you are obviously not drunk enough yet.

9. Unfortunately the party in the car on the ride home is always BYOB.

10. Take everything you read on Drunk University with a grain of salt on the glass of your margarita.

That’s all for today. Gotta get back to sobering up…you know how it is.

TOP 8 REASONS WHY WEED SHOULD BE LEGAL

8. So I can have a steady source of smoke

7. So I can have a steady source of income

6. So we can mash it into pudding and give it to whiny babies to put their annoying asses to sleep

5. So I don’t feel so guilty because I wouldn’t be funding terrorists (or would I? Stop Capitalism, Americans…the global economy will be the death of us all!! Burn down Starbucks, grow your own coffee beans!!)

4. Hundreds of thousands of prisoners would be set free thereby saving millions in state and federal tax dollars that could be used to fund government grown marijuana projects or breast cancer research

3. So I don’t have to light my pubic hair to cloak the smell from my neighbors

2. To make Sheena more interesting

1. So all the weed dealers start selling cocaine thus increasing the supply and lowering the price…good yao can be hard to find and expensive, G!

TOP 12 WAYS TO ASK A DEALER FOR WEED OVER THE PHONE

12. “How’s it flowing and going?”

11. “You got any treats?”

10. “What’s poppin’ on the icky tip?”

9. “Do you got the new Willie Nelson hit?”

8. “You got any Motherfucking Bud?”

7. “Is it cool?”

6. “Do you still got that herbal remedy for chronic fatigue syndrome?”

5. “Is the store open?”

4. “Is the doggy barking?”

3. “Are the pigeons pooping?”

2. “Is the wiry tree gibbon plucking baby millipede like insects from the crusty fur on his mother’s huge monkey ass?”

1. “Is the mother bald eagle eyeing an abandoned soybean field for juicy mice and crispy chipmunks awaiting to pounce on a weaker critter, crushing it’s spinal chord with it’s vice-grip talons, tearing away the steaming flesh like the pages in a phone book and thrusting the dripping chunks of meat into their beaks only to regurgitate their kill in cud form and spit it down the wrinkly throats of their newborn eagle children?”