I am butt pirate, he is butt pirate, she is butt pirate too. I am butt pirate, we are butt pirate and I believe that you are butt pirate too.

Ahoy mates and maties. My name is Captain Jack Swallow and I fly under the flag of the Jolly Rancher. I enjoy pilates, organic fruit smoothies and rollerblading along the beach.

Here’s our first question:

Dear Jack Swallow,

What can you tell about a pirate if he only wears one eye patch? And if it’s over his right eye, what does that mean?

Sincerely,
Lost and Confused at Sea

Dear Lost and Confused at Sea,

An eye patch over the right eye is a subtle indicator to other pirates that he has damaged his right eye. Nothing more, nothing less.

There are many ways he could have attained this injury. The most likely scenario, though, is that his mascara was not tested on animals and when the hot sun began to beat down on his well defined brow, sweat beads of toxic makeup dripped into one of his deep enchanting eyes and melted his iris.

Either that or a glory hole peaking accident.

Next query.

Dear Jack Swallow,

I’m your average run of the mill white, bearded, pirate with a monkey on my shoulder. I’m finding that my look has become rather trite and I am thinking of trading my shoulder monkey in for a parrot? Any advice?

Thank you,
Cracker Wants a Polly

Dear Cracker Wants a Polly,
Monkeys and parrots are so last year. Why don’t you spend a few doubloons and buy some Calvin Klein boxer briefs.

Also, lay off the rum for a while, join a gym and get those abs back to washboard status.

I’d also recommend ditching the beard. A five o’clock shadow like Clooney or perhaps a well trimmed goatee might revitalize your sex life and self-esteem.

Ta ta for now. I mean, argggh! And have a great memorial day weekend!

For me there is nothing less exciting then getting an Evite. For all three of you who do not know what an Evite is, it is an electronic invitation to a party. Generally, an Evite is for someone’s birthday, a has been trying to regain their college glory years, or my mom’s funeral. Look, I don’t care who it’s for - Evite’s suck.

Evite’s generally come with some cheesy graphic: either a kitten in a party hat or a decade-old picture of the guest of honor doing something stupid. Needless to say Evites are always MUCH classier then wedding invitations.

Usually people denote whether or not they are coming with a note that is one of the following:

A) An inside joke, that three people will get

B) A comment that makes fun of someone else’s comment

C) Some line about how they will “get the party started”

D) This is my personal favorite: Responding that you will try to make it, but you have a bunch of other parties to go to that night.

Let me be the first to say, I could care less how many other engagements you may or may not have and quite frankly if you think that boosts your ego you are sad. Take it from someone who never gets invited to anything, being invited to a lot of parties does NOT make you cool.

If you have less than 50 people to send your Evite too, just fucking use email. If you are lucky, someone might forward the email to a friend with writing in the body that says, “check out this sweet party dawg.”

I would be remised to say the evite is the worst thing ever. The worst thing ever is the Evite reminder email, which reminds me just how lame Evites are.

Breaking News: Two episodes of Heroes left and NBC is out of ideas.

We just got a call from the suits at NBC asking us for help on their new season of Heroes.

It turns out that they have no new characters for the second season because their writers spent the last six months getting drunk and laughing about what a retarded, logically impossible and never-ending show they had created.

Fortunately, we at Drunk University know that there are people with superpowers living among us. Yes, people way more special than a regenerating cheerleader or a flying politician. We call these people… DRUNK HEROES.

Giant Bladder Man

An elementary school bus driver discovers that he can drive an eight-hour shift drinking a liter of whiskey and never having to make a stop to drain his bladder. He uses this superpower to enjoy concerts and non-stop drives to Vegas.

While staying at Linderman’s casino in Las Vegas, he meets a girl at the roulette wheel who can’t stop saying intelligent things…

Genius-Blabber-Mouth Girl

A Denny’s waitress and Las Vegas resident finds that alcohol makes her unable to shut-up. Her ramblings, which she never remembers when she wakes up, always consist of complex and abstract topics that she consciously has no understanding of…Her subconscious, however, is knowledgeable in quark mechanics and quantum theory.

At the craps table, she explains to Hiro and his boyfriend Ando that time travel is logically impossible given the linearity of the space time continuum. Future Hiro and future Ando magically appear and join them at the table, explaining why she is wrong. They make several solid arguments justifying time travel by referencing Einstein, Newton, and Marty from Back to the Future.

Tequila Piss Boy

In Tijuana, a practical joke by middle school kids goes awry and a fourteen year old boy discovers that he pees tequila. With little opportunity in Mexico and cognizance of his superpower, Juan Paco crosses into the United States and straight into Odessa Texas, Claire’s hometown. Because he speaks Spanish, the mind-reading cop is unable to figure out that Juan Paco is adding more than just limeade to his Snoopy Sno-Cones.

Tune in next season and meet more great characters like Good Breath Drunk Guy and Not Hungry Wasted Gal.

Looks like drunk David Hasselhoff can say his lines just about as well as sober David Hasselhoff. I always wondered where The Hoff got the balls to go into a singing career, but now we all know it was the boozin’. Goes to show you, getting drunk can get you ahead. You can click below for the video link, but I have also transcribed the conversation for your drunken pleasure:

Daughter (the snitch): Dad, you need to promise me you’re not going to get alcohol tonight.

The Hoff: What? (Translation: Get out of my face, I’m trying to eat some pizza! I’m drunk for god sakes.)

Daughter: Dad, you need to promise me you’re not going to get alcohol tonight.

The Hoff: HMMMPH. (Translation: Well duh, I’m already drunk off my ass. Go get me a beer.)

Daughter: Cuz if you get alcohol tonight, you’re fired from your show tomorrow.

The Hoff: (Silence) (Translation: Why you killing my buzz? I got booze, pizza, and a tv show…oh, well scratch that last one.)

Daughter: And the doctor is coming over here in the morning to check your alcohol level and if you have any alcohol in your system you’re going to be fired from the show…tomorrow.

The Hoff: Shay. (Translation: Shit!)

Drunk David Hasselhoff Video:

Where the hell has Michael Jackson been?

I flat out think Michael Jackson catches a lot of flack that he doesn’t nearly deserve. Especially from people who didn’t write Thriller, Billy Jean or Beat It, in fact, MOST people that give him shit didn’t write any of his songs. So what if he feels up on some little boys; he’s earned it by contributing so much to American culture. I guarantee he’s made more people happy than he has traumatized.

Society is based on cost vs. benefit and if Vienna sausage sized cocks are his muse, so be it. I think a lot of it is jealousy; you want to know why you bitch and moan all day about Michael Jackson’s actions and then come home to fuck your hog-beast of a wife? Because you have to. You’ve done nothing with your pathetic life and therefore don’t have a whole lot of choices as to what your dick goes in.

Do you know how bat-shit crazy I would be if I was that rich? I would have my dick cloned and grafted to various parts of my body to keep up with the amount of things I desire to fuck. And with his lawyers I wouldn’t just stop at children (and most likely wouldn’t start there). I would be a mass murderer and just claim that accusers were being ignorant and judging my eccentric lifestyle.

And one time I beat Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker at an arcade with my old brother’s friend, Travis.

Sometimes when republicans debate, they do it on MSNBC. Other times, when they want to make democrat jokes, they do it on Drunk University. Unfortunately, they’re not funny. Just watch the video.