Top 5 Things Super Mario Will Do When He Retires
1. Get scammed out of 400,000 gold coins by a Nigerian Koopa.
2. Teaches a class at the learning annex titled “banging your head away into financial freedom.”
3. Ride Yoshi through a farmer’s market killing 35 Goombas on intense star flashback.
4. Some plumbing, finally.
5. Discover Halo.

Top 5 (Homo) Sexually Tilted Lines by NBA Playoff Commentators
1. They double up on Duncan.
2. Parker trying to squeeze through, covered by Duncan.
3. Walton is hit hard from behind by Horry.
4. Parker is looking over his shoulder, while Manu Ginobili lets him know where he is.
5. Duncan, working on Gasol, shoves it in there. Gasol grimaces in frustration.

Game Over
Finally, the most popular game of the 80s, and my personal favorite of all time, has arrived for Paystation and CashBox. Your game is over and you must insert a coin. My personal best score was $487.75.

Graphics: 10 “Dazzling.”
Sound: 5 “The game sound is still pretty limited. Needs more beeping.”
Controls: 10 “Only two buttons. Push 1P for 1 Player or 2P for 2 Player competition mode.”
Fun Factor: Off the charts
Overall: Amayzayzayzing.
SPOILER WARNING! I might be giving away a twist, but 2 player mode requires double the money.

Step 1: Illegally purchase fireworks and booze for your underage siblings/nephews/random dudes who offer you $20.

Step 2: Kill some animals with your bare hands. Bonus if you eat bear hands.

Step 3: Find the perfect party location. We suggest Indian land. Easy to claim, don’t have to clean up.
Step 4: Stop, prayer break.

Step 5: Celebrate your independence by passing out just before the party starts.

Aww yeah! We just got some of Adam’s Custom Beer Pong Balls in the mail today and we decided to give them a test drive. I have to admit - I was skeptical that just by having the DrunkU logo on the balls they would make me a better player…but my balls flew harder, faster, and smoother right into the faces of my opponents and then into a red cup of my choosing.

You can put anything you want in FULL color on Adam’s Balls, although he prefers peanut butter. Anyway, click the link to the right to check him out.

Here are our Top Five Things to Get Printed on Adam’s Balls:

1) Picture of you with a knife. It will intimidate your opponents.

2) Your name, thereby turning Adam’s Balls into Steve’s Balls, Eric’s Balls, or Mutumbo’s Balls.

3) Your fraternity, clubhouse, or religious organization letters. Best way for clergymen to promote their Church.

4) Your opponents’ mom or girlfriend. They’ll feel bad about going home so drunk.

5) Vomit inducing gore.

Alternatively you can just put cute pictures of kittens or boobs. Your call.

Check out the custom beer pong balls here.

Online Videos by Veoh.com

DutyFreeTV on G4

G4 has a new set of “Totally Foreign” shows and it’s called Duty Free TV. I don’t know about you, but that screams “Totally Awesome!” to me.

It starts February 4th at 8:30pm and if you like watching Japanese men handstand up steps, get through an obstacle course on stilts, or just fall into pits of muddy water, these shows are for you. Oh, that’s not enough for you? What about people eating live scorpions, male cameltoes, and ninjas galore?

I think my favorite will be the Ninja Warrior show, which is like Gladiator, but without the muscleheaded lame-named and brained Gladiators. This show has crazy events that actually involve strength and agility more than they do rub on tanning lotion and hair gel (you hear that Titan?!).

And what about the Super Big Product Fun Show? Or the Unbeatable Banzuke? What the hell is a Banzuke? I guess you’ll have to watch Duty Free TV and
find out - February 4th at 8:30pm on G4TV!

So moving out of your parents’ apartment and into your own place can be quite jarring, especially if you are 24 years old.

For me there were a lot of adjustments to be made and a lot of packing to be done. My whole life I slept on a twin bed and now I would have to go get a big boy bed.

When I walked into Sleepy’s it was like walking into a used car dealership. Who the hell knew there were different types of beds? The guy was like whatkind do you want?

“Uhhh, the cheap kind.”

He wasn’t amused. I ended up settling on a bed that the salesman guaranteed would “get me laid.”

I got a nice full bed, slept in it for the first time last night and, honestly, it was too much bed for me. I slept like in the corner in the fetal position holding a pillow. I understand why people get married now, so they don’t waste their bed. I am thinking of posting on Craigslist to see if anyone wants to lease 1/2 to 2/3’s of a bed. Might as well make some money off of the extra space.

And if I get a girlfriend, I can lease the whole space - as I will sleep at her place!!

Also, you need to get a bunch of stuff you always took for granted – toilet paper, silverware, pots, pans, condoms, hookers.

I guess the cool thing about moving out is now when I meet a girl I don’t have to say “So do you want to go back to your place or your place?”

Also, by not living at home I can buy a lot of beer and keep it in the fridge without my mom thinking I am an alcoholic. Plus, I never have to clean my room, unless I get a girlfriend and she wants to do it - but one thing at a time.

But I might miss living at home. I might miss having people do my cooking and my laundry. It was like having maids and cooks but they were related to me. Man, that was cool.

More Cool Videos

Ever wonder what it would be like to have a pet Zombie? I know I have. That’s why I killed my dog when I was 12 years old with my bare hands, but now I’m back on the outside! Through hours of work with Dr. Crowley, I now know that it’s wrong to try to turn pets (and even people) into Zombies. However, after seeing the trailer for the FIDO MOVIE on DVD, where a young boy has his very own pet zombie named Fido, all my zombie-induced desires came rushing back to me.

Following in the line of Shawn of the Dead and The Scary Movie series comes another horror-omedy (horror + comedy - letter ‘c’ = all new genre). This movie has it all: Zombies, Zombie slaves, Zombie pets, Zombie dancers (I’m assuming), and takes place in the untapped comedy setting of the suburbs. Unfortunately, the main character zombie gets loose and eats the brain of an old neighbor. Normally, a zombie would be killed for such bad behavior as eating a grandma brain (not as tasty as you would think). The boy in the movie just wants to keep his pet zombie - in fact - he’s the only one in all of Zombietown that even gave his zombie a name.

If you’re one of those guys who refuses to watch scary movies with a date for fear of screaming in front of her, then this is the perfect Halloween movie. Check out the trailer above for more info. Did I mention there are zombies?