Ever wonder what it would be like to have a pet Zombie? I know I have. That’s why I killed my dog when I was 12 years old with my bare hands, but now I’m back on the outside! Through hours of work with Dr. Crowley, I now know that it’s wrong to try to turn pets (and even people) into Zombies. However, after seeing the trailer for the FIDO MOVIE on DVD, where a young boy has his very own pet zombie named Fido, all my zombie-induced desires came rushing back to me.

Following in the line of Shawn of the Dead and The Scary Movie series comes another horror-omedy (horror + comedy - letter ‘c’ = all new genre). This movie has it all: Zombies, Zombie slaves, Zombie pets, Zombie dancers (I’m assuming), and takes place in the untapped comedy setting of the suburbs. Unfortunately, the main character zombie gets loose and eats the brain of an old neighbor. Normally, a zombie would be killed for such bad behavior as eating a grandma brain (not as tasty as you would think). The boy in the movie just wants to keep his pet zombie - in fact - he’s the only one in all of Zombietown that even gave his zombie a name.

If you’re one of those guys who refuses to watch scary movies with a date for fear of screaming in front of her, then this is the perfect Halloween movie. Check out the trailer above for more info. Did I mention there are zombies?

Recently I read an article about why women fake it. Well I got news for you ladies, us guys we fake it all the time. Why do we fake it? Well for a few reasons. Let me riddle off the ten most common.

10. Its late and we want to go to bed already. I mean sometimes we are just tired and need to get up early the next morning to watch SportsCenter.

9. Because you are not very good looking and we are beginning to regret hooking up with you. This phenomenon is also known as “de-beer-goggling.”

8. We don’t want to have kids. That’s right, ladies, we do not want to be deadbeat dads so early in life. We all saw that movie with Steve Martin where he has ten kids - no way do I want that. Also there is no guarantee the kids will be cool. Unless they are going to be Tiger Woods or the Olsen twins, I am not interested.

7. I need to save it for the girl I am sleeping with later in the night.

6. We want to make you feel good about your self and not inadequate. We understand your frail emotional state. Okay that is a lie….but I tried to sell it…..

5. Only other guys really get me off, I mean girls, err, err. Let’s quickly move onto the next reason.

4. We were watching TV earlier in the day and one thing led to another and you know - the bullpen ran out of relievers….

3. We fake every other emotion with you, why should this be any different?

2. You remind us too much of our mothers and that is just weird….

1. Because you are also faking it!

In the latest findings, it has been confirmed that Chris Benoit murdered his seven-year-old retarded son using his own famous wrestling hold, the Crippler Crossface. It’s the same move he used to beat Triple H for the heavyweight title at WWE WrestleMania XX.

According to the investigation, Benoit’s retarded son started the altercation by removing the drool sponge duct taped to his chin. When Benoit tried to retape the soaked sponge, the retarded child resisted and went into a retarded frenzy.

Benoit tried to subdue his son with a Pile Driver but the retard was unaffected because of his extra large retarded head. The maneuver, however, sent Benoit’s retarded son into a maniacal retarded rage. He attacked his father first with a retarded DDT and then followed that up with a retarded Figure Four Leg Lock. Neither was able to calm the steroid-fueled onslaught by his father, a more experienced wrestler and a non-retard.

After distracting his son with a shiny object, Benoit wrapped his forearms around his son’s retarded neck and began to squeeze like a python crushing the life out of a retarded rabbit.

As the air escaped his retarded little lungs and was not replenished, his retarded little brain asphyxiated and he lost his one brain cell.

Afterward, Benoit went upstairs to enjoy some peace and quiet. His wife, however, was in an Oprah commercial break and started yelling at him to remove the Nautilus Home Gym that was collecting dust in their bedroom.

He calmly approached her, mid-bitching, and snapped her neck like corn on the cob. Then he sat at his home gym, put four hundred pounds on each pulley and wrapped it around his neck to work out his anterolaterals.

I found this article in the LA Times about how to become a teen heartthrob and since I’ve often been compared to a young Kirk Cameron and a more liberal Alex P. Keaton (Mike J Fox). I figured lets see how I stack up on this list of ways to become a teen heartthrob.

Certainly many teenage girls already yearn for me, I must be doing something right (It should be noted that I only encourage and converse with teenage fans who are of legal age.)

Well lets go to the big board and see how I stack up against the Joey Fatone’s of the world.

1. You need to have shaggy hair.

Well good news readers, I’ve been growing out my hair for the last 3 and a half months, I look like a lost member of the Jackson Five or Buckwheat’s white love child. I won’t even go into McDonalds because people confuse me with Ronald McDonald. Hopefully Jew-fro is synonymous with shaggy hair.

For those scoring at home I’m one for one on this checklist.

2. Dreamy eyes.

Well, teenage girls do not fear I am looking directly at you from my telescopic lens in my bedroom window. Just do not put those blinds down! My eyes are blue too, so I get bonus points, whoopee!

2 for 2.

3. You need a multi-hyphenated career: If you are an actor you have to have a singing career.

Ding! Ding! I am a writer/assistant to THIS EMPLOYER HAS BEEN REMOVED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT AND MARK’S JOB, technically I might even have an additional hyphen, because some would argue I am a writer-assistant-lover, not necessarily in that order if you catch my drift and I think you do.

However, I cannot sing, so I guess I need to join a boy and learn how to dance. I was thinking with my voice though that I might be able to be a singer in a band with Gilbert Gottfired and Andy Rooney, I like to call us “The Irritations.”

It would be cool to perform and hear a bunch of girls scream my name, although having girls screaming my name is not unusual territory for me. My mom screams at me all the time when I leave the toilet seat up or leave my dirty laundry around the house.

Still batting a .1000, 3 for 3!

4. You gotta dance: It is all about body language.

I can still Macarena and do the electric slide with the best of them. I tore down quite a few rugs during my bar mitzvah boogying days. They use to call me “left foot” because the ladies said I had two of them.

And there is nothing I like better then going to “da club” and grinding up against some hotties. And then occasionally I like to kick it old school and through in some plies from my ballerina days.

Then I also have this move where I let the girl dip me. Don’t want to reveal all my dance moves, but let’s just say I got one move I like to call “the pick and roll” I pick out a girl on the dance floor and then I roll onto her.

4 for 4, after that dancing question let’s hope I am not all tapped out (tap, get it? like tap dance? you know its a good pun when you have to explain it!)

5. Have fashion sense: You want to be fashionable.

Look good? Sweatpants, t-shirts, sneakers and headbands, it’s not so much my look as much as it is my lifestyle. GQ called me recently to do a little winter fashion spread where I show off my snoopy hat with the pom-pom.

Snoopy’s back and I’m wearing it. I even opened up a line of clothing stores called H&M, which stands for Hot and Mark. There are three names you need to know in fashion Ralph Lauren, Calvin Klein and Mark Rothman. All Jews, coincidence, I think not.

I also revolutionized the stained shirt trend after I spilled some ketchup on my shirt and wore it to work for the next week. I put the ’sh’ in fashion, because if anyone disagrees with my taste in clothes, I just say ’sh.’

Can’t shhh me, because I am 5 for 5

6. It is important to be physical and athletic: Right now extreme sports are really big.

Does chess count? If a chick wants an extreme date, why go rock climbing, when you go to a restaurant without making a reservation in advance? What’s more scary, climbing Mt. Vesuvius or not knowing if you are going to get a table in a timely manner? If that is not adventurous once we get a table we can order the fish. And ladies why do hardcore sports, when we can make out hardcore? Why be climbing a mountain when we can be climbing each other? Why go snowboarding or skateboarding when you can go board gaming? I’m thinking some trivial pursuit followed by some battleship.

Jenna Von Oy for Jenna Von Oy (6 for 6, for those who are ‘Blossom’ challenged)

Perfection!!!

I am The Rothman, America’s next teen heartthrob. Check out my Cover Photo for next the issue of Tigerbeat.

Reno 911: Miami

Reviewed by M. Alfred Donnelly

I just poured myself a Coors and ran into my roommate, who coincidentally happened to be in the kitchen drinking beer. He asked if I wanted to waste a jay. I told him no because I was working, writing a review of the movie ” Reno 911!: Miami.”

He was all, “You do realize there was a ‘Reno 911′ TV show.”

I was like, “WTF? How come I never seen it?” I did some research. His statement checked out, so I had to do a shot.

In fact, the show’s been on Comedy Central for like 4 years. I think the whole ” Miami” addition just completely threw me. I mean, looking at the poster — I saw the cops, I saw the guns, I saw the sunglasses, I saw the cocaine mustaches — I assumed it was some kind of “Miami Vice” deal. Throw in a little tits and ass, a hint of Phil Collins, and you got yourself a terrific feature film adaptation of a classic 1980’s television show.

Hang on… My roommate just informed me there is a film version of “Miami Vice,” and it sucked balls. I didn’t believe him, but he was right. He made me do another shot. And then we did another shot for the hell of it. Fuck, where’s my beer?

Looking at the trailer, “Reno 911!: Miami” is a complete cinematic experience. An elite crime-fighting unit travels to the actual National Police Convention in Miami (Florida, not Ohio), where they undoubtedly kick ass.

The entire attending police population fall victim to an “infectious contamination” — with the exception of Reno’s finest. Why weren’t they infected? Because they were out knockin’ boots and taggin’ tail, that’s why. What do you expect? It’s Miami, after all, where debauchery is the friggin’ norm.

Due to the infectious contamination outbreak, these cops end up inheriting all police operations in the city, which means it’s time to get down to brass tax. They continue knockin’ boots and taggin’ tail, but in different ways. Instead of humping buck-wild alligator-style in a Jacuzzi, they’re called to remove an actual alligator from a backyard pool. Instead of whalin’ and hoggin’ on fat chicks, they literally penetrate a dead whale.

This movie should be funny as fuck. Definitely worth sneaking forties into the local multiplex when it arrives in theaters. Hang on… My roommate told me the movie’s already come and gone. It was in theaters last February. Okay, another shot… Jesus, where the hell was I? Oh, wait… It’s on DVD now. So buy it now, unless you can figure out how to illegally download it like most college pukes.

An unrated version is also available, which means there ought to be more boobies — and full-frontal, if we’re lucky.

Fluff Rating: 5 Coors, 1 jay.

ALERT!!! In case you didn’t know, Sharper Image has more crap for you to buy.

When I got home today, I was going through the mail and there was my newest Sharper Image catalog.

I remember back when I was younger and more mature, the ShaRper Image catalog was the coolest thing…it had all the latest gadgets and toys, but now every store has massage chairs, wine coolers, and fancy pool toys. Sharper Image, basically has the same products as they did 15 years ago except, they just keep adding useless stuff to the items.

First they find a way to get a compass on the object. Who the hell needs a corkscrew with a compass on it? Am I going to get lost in the wine cellar? After another couple of years they make a further innovation by waterproofing the item. Nothing like a waterproof massage chair, in case it begins raining in your den. Now you can make phone calls in the shower with the new waterproof phone. Play solitaire while you bathe, with waterproof playing cards.

Then, if these innovations are not good enough, they manage to shrink everything. Nothing like a recording device so small that you are not even sure if it came in the box. You need a fucking toothpick to turn it on and off.

They also like combining two products that have nothing to do with one another. I mean, who doesn’t need a fog-proof shaving mirror that doubles as a cell phone charger? A hammock that is also a wine cooler? And my personal favorite the umbrella that also cooks hot dogs. Not sure how it works, but never forget the Grey Poupon if it rains. If only they could get a compass on it and make it pocket size - well then it would be the greatest Sharper Image product of all time!

Look don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I could make a much better catalog of fringe luxury items that no one really needs, but I think Sharper Image has dropped the ball over the last 15 years. I guess you could also argue that J. Crew has not made many innovations either in the last 15 years, maybe added a color or two, perhaps switched stitching, but nothing major there, shirts, khakis and jeans.

I suppose the one difference between J.Crew and Sharper Image is that you need clothes, you do not need sunglasses that are air conditioned and expand into a picnic table complete with mosquito tent…although, it is raining out and I could sure go for some hot dogs.

I am sure by now, everyone has heard about Lindsay Lohan’s latest disaster– and I am not talking about GEORGIA RULE.

Lindsay crashed her Mercedes this past weekend while drunk, underage and with coke in her car. Although the official report has not yet been released, the discovery of Coke in her car may damage her endorsement deal with Pepsi.

But I think we should lay off her. Why? Because she’s hot. And don’t you feel bad that her career is more of a wreck than her car.

So rather than talk about punishments and jail, let’s discuss how this incident could have been avoided.

This would not have happened if she was driving Herbie the Lovebug from her hit movie Herbie Fully Loaded.

Boy, that title sounds really ironic now since Herbie never drives drunk. The only thing Herbie drives is audiences away from movie theaters.

And who puts coke in their car? Come on! Swallow it in a balloon if you are going to take it around town. They teach you that in Drug Mule 101. And swallowing a big object whole shouldn’t be too tough for her, I’m sure she has a lot of practice.

And the best way this incident could have been avoided– If Lindsay Lohan were dating me. That’s right, there is no way I would have let this happen. And this is a perfect example of why the restraining order needs to be lifted!