October 25th, 2006
A Proper Guide to Halloween Costumes
Halloween has always been a benchmark time. It’s the point in the school year where, if you haven’t gotten laid, it’s time to start thinking about some desperate fatties. Because, frankly, any dude can get some in the first 6-10 weeks of school, unless he’s a pussy. I should know, I frequently don’t get laid until well past October, and I am the world’s biggest talking vagina. I’m still better than you, though.
Anyway, if you’re having trouble getting your bones jumped, everybody knows Halloween is the right time to cure your bedroom batting slump. It’s a formula for romance- meeting drunk people, seeing lots of skin, clutching the stranger next to you while cops unfurl a barrage of firebombs through your tenement window.
It’s a known Halloween fact that the people who get laid are the people who have the best costumes. Remember that one comic book where Superman went to the Justice League Ball dressed as Dr. Doom? Remember how he got all the pussy that night, and eventually had to use Kryptonite forceps to terminate Wonder Woman’s unwanted Super-pregnancy? Remember that? If you’ve never read comic books, it’s no wonder you have trouble getting laid. But, for serious though, the key to costume success is originality. Which is why I’ve decided to share with you E-Dawg’s Top Original Best Awesome Costume Ideas, which is a list I keep in the journal in which I write when I feel like I’m going crazy. On to the costumes:
Costumes For the Fellas:
3. This year, I’m gonna put a bunch of cuts on my arms, do a really bad job of putting on mascara, then slip on my tight “Death Cab for Cutie” tee. That’s right, this year, I’ve decided to go as “emo.”
2. This year’s second-best idea for a costume is “dead Superman.” Wear a superman costume, sit in a wheelchair, and have someone push you around all night while you pretend to be dead.
1. While both of these costumes are sure to get you in the sack, nothing pulls in the punani-tang like the #1 best costume for dudes this year, “Creepy Twenty-Something White Guy Who Probably Shouldn’t Be Trick-or-Treating by Himself in the Dark near Small Children.” Always a popular costume, and it works year-round.
Costumes For the Straight-Up Bitches:
3. God, all you stupid bitches just want to be what you aren’t, so this year’s number three costume is “Chick who has a remote grasp on reality.” The costume goes like this- you show up on time, you don’t bitch about anything in your personal life, you don’t bug the shit out of me… and you put out.
2. This year, the easiest and second-bestest costume to pull off is “American Idol Contestant.” It’s so simple- it takes virtually no effort to throw some vomit on your dress and go out on the town. Good luck passing for 16, though.
1. While going as either an American Idol wash-up, or as a woman who’s “not crazy” are both exotic ways to disguise yourself, they won’t be as big of a hit as this year’s number one costume- “Some Drunk Ho.”
For the Couples:
Steve Irwin & Mrs. Crocodile Hunter-
Keeping it current is the key to celebrity impersonation costumes. When you dress as Mr. Crikey, be sure to spend a lot of time creating the fake chest wound. If you can, get a fake manatee, and make it look like it’s sticking through your chest. Every time someone stares at the offensive costume, Mrs. Crocodile Hunter should jump in front of Steve Irwin and scream “No, I don’t think people should be seeing this!”
John F. Kennedy and Jackie O-
Sure, it’s not current, but damn it’s good. John F. Kennedy should wear a suit and have his hair coiffed just-so, in addition to having several gaping bullet wounds oozing from his body. To further re-emphasize that you are dressed as Jack Kennedy, make loud remarks to no one in particular, such as “Honey, get me a transfusion. My blood type is `syphilis,’” or, “When my psychic told me my killer was lurking behind a grassy knoll, I thought she meant syphilis.” Naturally, Jackie O. will look great in her high-class Chanel skirt-suit, which should be covered with splattered blood and JFK’s brain matter. For added effect, Jackie should cry and shriek uncontrollably. There’s nothing more sensual than re-enacting one of America’s most traumatic televised moments with someone you love.
So there you have it, eight great costume ideas that I bet you never thought of. With these neat-o tips, you’ll have no trouble scoring with some chick who’s “dressed up” as a needy, clingy manger. Now get to it!
Joke of the Day:
What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
Nothing, they’re both stuck up cunts.
