January 25th, 2006
Subway sucks. Every time I walk in some fat sandwich-making chick tries to get way too friendly. Asking me how I am and where I’ve been. Damn, I just want a sandwich! I knew this guy who worked at Subway from high school until he was 27. When someone asked for a sandwich he’d give them two cookies filled with ice cream. Wait…that was Baskin Robbins. Still, the point is that all the people that work there are retards.
In fact, I walked into a fucking interview wearing boxing gloves and got the job. The manager asked why I was wearing boxing gloves and I told him it was because I had a hook. Yes, Subway hires retards and the retards make your sandwiches. Do you really want retards making your sandwich? One thing I know is I don’t want no retard juice on my beef, lettuce, and tomato.
As soon as I warm up to the fat chick they pass me down the assembly line. When I get to the end they ask me what kind of sandwich I have. Even though it’s hot and steaming and the guy standing 2 feet from him just asked me if I wanted the “double meat for a dollar,” I tell him it’s vegetarian because it’s the cheapest. Everyone and their mom knows of this trick and yet they always fall for it. They must wonder why they even stock up on meat.
“Dur, vegetarian sure is popular this week. Hold on, I gotta go get some more turkey from the back.”
Subway doesn’t even have the staple sandwich, peanut butter and jelly. And even if they fucking did a retard behind the counter would probably ask you if you wanted the toppings on it. “Errr…mayonaise and mustard on your PB and J sir?” The only cool thing about Subway is that the chips and drinks are free. What? You didn’t know that?
Everyone there has a specific job kind of like how in high school the challenged kids pick up trash after lunch. One Subway worker picks up cans, one picks up paper, and one points. Similarly, at Subway one person puts mayonaise and mustard on your sandwich, another puts vegetables, and another puts on meat (why do they even have this guy!?). Notice that there is no Chip and Soda Guard Guy.
Anyway, what the fuck am I talking about. Back to how Subway sucks. The first day on the job the manager asked me where my hook went. I told him I traded it in for a Dallas Cowboy’s jacket. “Errr…oh, okay,” he said.
When I was working there they kept on insisting that I pay for my sandwiches. You gotta be shitting me. Why the fuck would I pay for sandwiches when they throw them away because “there’s extra pickles¯” or “too much pepporcinni.” I just put those in my back pocket. In fact, I just put everything in my back pocket.
So one day I wrote this letter telling them how much I appreciate working for Subway, but they mistook it for blackmail. It didn’t make any sense because I’m as white as they come. All I said was that if they didn’t pay me more I would start a vigorous campaign in the media detailing how their stores were Feng Shui unfriendly.
The next day I get this note with my paycheck: “Dear Mike, I am sorry to inform you that you have been demoted from meat slicer to mayonaisse squirter.”¯ NOOOOO! But I had worked so hard for that position! I guess they were just looking for a reason to fire me because a week later I was canned for taking meaningless shit. I took old bread, left over meats and cheeses, a few bags of chips, and some money from the cash register. Fuck you Subway.
Stupidest thing I ever heard at Subway: “Oh my god! What am I going to do if a customer comes in? I’m just the vegetable layout specialist!”
Drunk Links
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