April 28th, 2007
As a writer for Drunk University, I am mailed scores upon scores of death threats. So, you can imagine my alarm when I received several pieces of fan mail. It seems people want my advice on several college-related subjects, such as how to make a bong using items you’d find in a standard jail cell, and how to perform CPR on a dog when it has a mouthful of peanut butter.
Well, fuck you, fan mail, I don’t have time to give out free advice. Why can’t these people just threaten to kill my family- a message which requires absolutely no response from me? They obviously just don’t care.
Since I’m certainly not going to answer any of your questions, I decided to ask them to all the mega-famous people that I know and who know me, including Britney Spears, George Clooney, Richard Gere, and Anna Nicole Smith. I think you’ll find that their take on college life can be quite illuminating and incriminating. Off to the mailbag!
This first fan question is asked by Mary Madsen, of Berkeley, CA. I decided to ask it to none other than Britney Spears.
Mary writes:
“Hey, E-Dawg, what college did you go to? Cuz you write like a simian.”
Britney Spears Answers:
“Howdy, Mary. I’ve never been called “E-Dawg,” before, and I must say I’m a mess of confused by it. As for your question, the answer is “Yes, I went to many colleges.” Last year I did a tour and I went to NYU and Rutgers and the entire Ivory League. And, just last month I graduated with a degree in rehabilitation. The next college I plan to attend will be Virginia Tech. I’m doing some kinda benefit concert up there. Gee, I sure hope some of that charity money will go to the victims of that terrible Alabama school shootin’ disaster. Bye Y’all!”
Wow, Britney Spears can really get to the heart of an issue. No wonder her poetry has inspired a generation. Unfortunately, at this point, Britney Spears fell down and did not get up for several hours. So I had to ask the next question to my good friend, Richard Gere. This question is from Tad Timov, of Menlo Park, New Jersey.
“Dear E-Dawg, I don’t know how to say this but, I’m shy around girls I like. Any tips on how to score with women?”
Richard Gere Comments:
“Ha ha- you called me E-dawg! I don’t get it. In my illustrious career as an internationally acclaimed actor, supermodel spouse, and a general butt-felcher, I have gotten pretty skilled at dating and licking girls.
If you really want to impress a gorgeous lady, simply get her to be your co-host at an Indian Aids show. In my mind, nothing gets the ladies hotter than AIDS fundraisers, especially if they give out awards, which they usually don’t.
My final Richard Gere Love Tip is to strike first. Grab the one you love, and then lick her until the cops pull you off. That’s the only way to show a woman true devotion, especially after I’ve had at least one bottle of scotch.”
At this point, Richard Gere became unavailable for comment when he licked an Eskimo model and his tongue got stuck to her. I had to ask my next question to George Clooney. The question is from Chester Langtree, of Terrapin, NV. Chester asks,
“Hey E-dawg, what’s the most beer you’ve ever shotgunned in one blast? My buddies dropped a hose off the Empire State Building, and poured a pony keg in the funnel. I was holding the other end of the hose at ground level. The beer hit my throat so hard, I dislocated two vertebrae. I thought this was a lot of beer, but then my one buddy said he heard you had flown to Kuala Lumpur to shotgun from the world’s tallest building.
Then, my other friend said he heard that wasn’t enough for you, so you chartered a hot air balloon, and took a full keg in one shot! My other friend said he heard you had Buzz Aldrin fly a really long garden hose to the moon, and when Buzz Aldrin poured the beer into the funnel, the gravity made it reverse direction and all the beer hit Buzz Aldrin in the face! We didn’t believe him though, that guy is a noob! So what’s your record? How much can you pound?”
George Clooney Says:
“Using my astute powers of deduction, I conclude that you must be that guy who is going around asking everyone if they are E-Dawg. No, I am not an E-Dawg.”
George Clooney, always an illuminating guy, and what stories! I gave my final question to my personal acquaintance, one with whom I keep in touch every day, Anna Nicole Smith. It’s from Derby Jacobs, of Rome, Georgia.
“E-Dawg, are there any other dangers of unprotected sex besides AIDS? Like, will wet n wild girls give me some kind of pee-pee damage? My foreskin looks kinda like a rainbow afro wig, and I was wondering if it’s because of that time I masturbated while on acid, or if that clown hooker did me dirty.”
Anna Nicole Smith Shouts:
“First of all, my name’s not E-Dawg, k? Second of all, I’m, like, really busy right now, bein’ trapped alive in a coffin. Please help. I’ll send you a picture of spring break girls flashing, and I promise not to be in it. Just get me out of here- I’m runnin’ out of air and Oreos.”
Lol, Anna Nicole Smith’s jokes certainly show off her sparklingly quick wit. Unfortunately, those are all the questions I received, which is a shame because I totally had many even more famous people lined up to share their experiences. Well, maybe next time, if I get more fan mail. But hopefully not, because I hate my fans and every single person who’s ever read one of my articles. And my therapist.
Toodles!
E-Dawg
