January 31st, 2006
So, I’ve been at this college for a few months now, and I’ve realized something- everyone here is a pussy. Even the manly-looking chicks are pussies. The other day, some nerd asked me to “Rush” his “Frat.” I asked him why he was speaking to me, and he told me all about pounding boilermakers with his frat buddies. “Shit,” I thought, “If I wanted to drink beers with a bunch of virgins, I’d go back to kindergarten.” I would’ve cussed him out, but I was wearing my new grill, and it hasn’t set right on my teeth, yet.
Then, I found a fraternity that changed my life – Tau Alpha something. No more of this study-all-day-drink-bud-light-on-weekends-and-call-yourself-“cool” bullshit. The fraternity I rushed is beyond that- they’re all about heroin. We’re not a “heroin fraternity,” don’t get me wrong. We’re just hooked on heroin, every one of us. But, we do lots of other activities which are only semi-heroin related:
A. Social Life
Our weekdays mainly find us robbing recruits and studying for our visual arts degrees. Most of my V.A. projects involve me filming myself shooting heroin. I get straight A’s.
The weekends are usually really kick-back. We usually all gather in the living room and watch “Family Guy” reruns. Afterward, we watch “Sex and the City” because no one can reach the remote.
Parties are excellent. Somebody throws on some Eno, we hang a bunch of belts in the foyer, and… well, that’s about it.
B. Rush Events
The fraternity doesn’t really have an informational “rush week.” Our merits are self-evident. But, the hazing is hard-core. One time, they made me shoot heroin into my dong. I couldn’t ejaculate for three days, but I didn’t really care, because I spent most of that time in the hospital.
When I fell asleep on the table during Parents’ Night, they took away my stash. That week was rough. I fucked a goat, blew a bum, and watched back-to-back episodes of “Real World vs. Road Rules: The Gauntlet,” all because I was told these things would score me smack.
C. Charity
Charity drives are alright with this brotherhood. Every month, we donate all of the stuff we can’t sell. Sometimes, we just roll downtown and donate goods to a drug-dealing bum. Usually, the bum ends up getting shot, but whatever. That’s all too heavy for me to worry about, anyway. Charity, man.
As you can see, my days are full, now that I’ve pledged my life to this fraternity. The best part is learning how to maximize my budget. I would have thought that pawning my T.V. would lower my entertainment, but I don’t even care. I just spend all day fixing, then I stare at these pictures:
Drunk Links
