October 24th, 2006
Recently I took a Southwest Airlines flight from San Diego to Oakland. As usual I sat in the exit row seats that face each other. My friends and I call these the party seats, because the knee knocking with strangers usually drums up a conversation. They are the most social seats on any commercial air service in the world. People in these seats are also the most hated 12 people in flying because they don’t shut up, and they are usually the only people talking.
I don’t sit in the seats to annoy people, but mainly to pass the time. These conversations typically begin with some Southwest bashing. (If you are ever in need of some good Southwest bashing openers, I have included some suggestions below.)
I am not sure of the exact dimensions of this exit row, but I generously estimate it at 12 inches in width. And on this recent flight I was happy to see that the woman sitting directly opposite me was about 5 feet tall. I began with my favorite Southwest opener, “Southwest sardines, only 200 bucks a can.”
She happily followed suit. “It’s incredible how they squeeze us in..”
And the conversation began. Shortly I had learned that the woman was going to visit her son who attended UC Berkeley, and was on the Crew team. Seeing as she was only 5 feet tall, and being a dick in general I asked, “Oh, is he the coxswain.”
Her face, which hereto had been the pleasant apparition of an upper middle class working mom, slowly tweaked, turned, crinkled, and mashed, until a hateful look shot at me. With a raised indignant voice said, “No my son is not the Coxswain.”
For those of you that have never watched a film about pretentious east coast prep schools…the coxswain in crew is the naggy bitch of the rowing world. The coxswain sits at the bow of the boat, he does not row, he barks instructions at the rowers. Coxswains do nothing but scream and shout at the guys doing all the work. They are small. They are annoying. Nobody knows what they eat. They are just like flies.
Given some truth serum every guy with an oar in his hands would divulge that he hates the coxswain. Rowers would admit that they deserve no credit for any success the team has, that the coxswain isn’t really a part of the team, but more of a heavy hood ornament with a megaphone.
However there is a bizarre unspoken credo among rowers. The essence of that credo is: Never insult the coxswain, never let anyone insult the coxswain, the coxswain is an integral part of the team.
In reality the coxswain’s an annoying little pussy.
Let’s return to the incredulous crew mom. I immediately seized on the moment of weakness this crew mom had shown. Her reaction was one of insult. This meant that she thought less of the position of coxswain, and had admitted it to an outsider. Breakdown.
“I’m sorry is there something wrong with a coxswain?”
“No, no it’s just that he’s not the coxswain, he’s the uh, he rows”
“I’m sorry you were offended, I didn’t know there was anything wrong with being the coxswain, I thought they were important, but by your reaction they seem pretty much hated, that the rowers are the only important people on the team…”
“No, no, they aren’t hated…I just …it’s just that….I didn’t mean to react like that…,” and on and on she went covering the blunder, the breaking of the credo.
But here’s the basic point, when your position in a sport begins with “Cox” you’re pretty much a little bitch. People don’t like you, your team really hates you, and so does everyone else.
Here’s another point, Southwest airlines doesn’t suck, what sucks is the poor whore stewardesses who couldn’t get a job on an airlines with enough computers to handle seat assignments. Southwest stewardesses are the coxswains of the sky. But nobody protects them, there is no credo to stand up for the steardesses. At least people pretend to like coxswains, so please don’t be mean to them.
As promised, here are some Southwest Bashing Conversation Openers:
Southwest…more like southworst.
We made it through the cattle call.
I hate Southwest Airlines.
I hope that bitch doesn’t sing a “fasten your seatbelt” song
Does the FAA know about Southwest.
They pick their peanuts from Delta passengers poo.
I wish they only flew in the Northeast.
Joke of the Day:
Why are men and parking spaces alike?
Because all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are disabled.
