April 13th, 2006
I’ve been asked to write an article about how to reel in the ladies. Sorry, girls, this article’s just for the men, and the lesbian men. It’s only natural that I am hard on the casual dating scene. After all, I know all about dinosaurs, and women love hearing about dinosaurs. Also, I’m really into video games, which helps me relate to the fantasy worlds in which chicks live.
One question I am frequently asked by shiny-faced virgins, such as yourself, is how to get a woman to have “sex” with you. At first, I was confused, but then I went to dictionary.com, and I learned that “sex” is modern slang for “pushing up in that nappy dugout.” This one’s easy, pay attention. If you want to have “sex” with women, you must get them drunk. You can tell if a woman is drunk because she will want to have “sex” with you. This adage is true, whether you’re trying to score with a female at a party, or with your wife of 40 years.
The Right Liquor
Sometimes liquor sneaks up on you. WARNING: RED ALERT! WARNING: This is the liquor you want to avoid. When finding chicks which with to have “sex,” you must walk the line between a woman who’s drunk enough to throw down, and a woman who’s throwing up in your car. Or, even worse, talking about her feelings.
Let’s get serious for a minute. Giant fruity tropical drinks with colorful umbrellas. These are the key to getting chicks drunk- the sugar rushes the alcohol to her system. Scientists have been proving this true for decades. Ok? And chicks love fruity crap!
Tequila is another fine liquor for getting chicks naked, which is hot, and not covered in vomit, which is semi-hot. Tequila rushes straight to your dome. Sure it’s harsh… that’s what “not sneaking up on you” means, princess. Although, don’t leave the chick alone with the tequila bottle. Left to their own devices, chicks will inevitably drink themselves until they are almost dead, upside-down on the staircase. Also, carbonation. Carbonated beverages, such as champagne, rush the alcohol through the bloodstream.
The Right Signs
Okay, I think we’ve learned about enough alcohols to cover most social events. Now, it’s time for the signs that a woman is at the right stage of inebriation. I’ve seen plenty of guys waste their time with small talk, such as, “Hi.” That leads nowhere, try these conversations:
B-rad: S’up? You drinkin’?
Some Gretchen: Um… Yeah.
B-rad: That’s sexy. You wanna get outta here?
Some Gretchen: You’re a jerk.
B-rad: What about your friend? [turns] Hey, Gretchen! You drinkin?!
If that’s to hot for you nerds, try this one:
B-rad: Hey, what do you like?
Scientist Gretchen: I’m a neurosurgeon.
B-rad: Oh, yeah? I have that new laser-guided laparoscopic defibrillator. It’s in my apartment.
Scientist Gretchen: How could that fit into an apartment, it’s 32 meters long?
B-rad: Never mind. Who’s your friend, is she drinkin’?
Great! Sounds like you’re ready to form meaningless relationships that last forever, or until your girlfriend finds out. Thanks to me, you’ve learned all the right moves to do all the wrong women. If this guide does not get you laid within 7 days, I guarantee that I will personally come to your house and beat your ass.
Drunk Links
