January 25th, 2006
I hate a lot of things. I’m not writing this article to amuse you; you piss me off. I hate lists. Do you want a list, you fucking drunks? I’ll give you a list
TOP TEN THINGS I HATE:
10. The symbol @. Are Americans so lazy that they need to abbreviate the word “at”? The Japanese don’t abbreviate the word “at.”
9. The slogan “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.” I don’t hate you because you’re beautiful, bitch, I hate you because you’re stuck up about it. I once stalked a woman, but she broke up with me because I only hated her for her looks.
8. I read that Castrol oil is the official motor oil of the N.B.A. That’s great, because I hate it when I go to an N.B.A. game and there’s not enough motor oil to go around.
7. Other people. I’m not racist, I hate everybody.
6. Computers, I tried to login to get e-mail for the first time the other day. The computer asked me to type in my name, so I typed: “Evan Hoovler.” It told me that this was not correct. I began to swear at the machine until some friendly CSO’s escorted me out of the building, anally violated me, and then kicked my ass. That’s why I hate computers.
5. Economics textbooks: One buys the textbook for 80 dollars, one can sell it back for 50 cents. If one buys the Economics book, one should automatically fail the Economics class.
4. Higher math. Do you remember when math used to have numbers? Now it consists entirely of letters. It’s not math anymore, it’s English.
3. The French. Let’s just face it, when was the last time you heard somebody say, “Wow, those French sure are cool!?”
2. Soft Reserves. The other day I waited in line for a half hour at the reserves place to buy a final for Chemistry 6B. When I got to the front of the line, the man behind the window told me that the final I wanted was not available. I told him I was pretty sure it was. He said it wasn’t. So I stabbed him.
1. This list.
