February 28th, 2007
There are pick-up lines, bad pick-up lines, and then there are puppies. That’s right-cute and cuddly creatures that no girl can resist. “Oooh look how cute he is,” “What’s his name?” “How old is he?” “What breed is he?”
Three standard questions which inevitably lead to three reciprocating inquiries. “What’s your name?” “Can I get your number?” “How old are you?”
Each question is answered accordingly. “His name is Marley,” “Yeah, he is a Black Lab,” and “Only four months old,” followed by, “Susie,” “Sure,” and “Almost eighteen.”
My complaint, however, is not against legitimate pet owners, but against opportunists who use puppies merely to compensate for their own social inabilities.
Have you ever noticed that nobody ever brings a dog to any social event but there’s always one guy who brings a puppy. Speaking of which, what happens to all of these puppies anyhow? Are they leased out for six-month periods then traded in for a nice new young puppy? Does a canine dealer like this really exist out there? Is it called a pound?
Men figured out early on that puppies equal chicks. So it should be no surprise that each party was visited by at least five guys armed with puppies. It wasn’t long, though, before the puppy had become commonplace and trite. Simply put, shallow men were forced too find innovative ways to attract unsuspecting women.
Yes, puppies have been exploited-but the rest of the animal kingdom is there for the taking. Parrots and cockatoos become shoulder pads and Boa Constrictors make for ideal neckwear. The Goth guy dressed in black has a white mouse in his shirt pocket and the stoner has an iguana on a leash.
Not only are these practices transparent, but cruel. Animals were not put on this Earth to be exploited by socially inept men. And so we, women, must unite and shun these men who use innocent animals as fashion accessories.
