October 16th, 2006
Those of you who read the school newspaper’s “Crime on Campus” section know that I recently went on a campus-wide rampage. The media has portrayed me as a “random psychopath,” and a “victim of the failings of student mental health.” I’m here to state the truth about what happened. It wasn’t “random,” the administrators I socked up were carefully chosen for their incompetence. Although, I probably won’t say that during my trial.
Administrator 1: Student Legal Services. This guy’s supposed to help me, by using the law, right? But he took out a restraining order against me - how does that help me? I threw a brick through his window and hit him, right in the nuts.
Administrator 2: Student health official. My girlfriend checked into Student Health with a floater. I don’t know what the fuck they did to her, but her stitches were real sloppy.
Administrator 3: Student Advisor. I went to my student advisor to clear the last 6 credits I needed to graduate. He enrolled me in the Preuss School for retarded kids. Worst of all, retarded school only gives me 1 credit.
Administrator 4: The guy who rings me up at the Student Grocery. Okay, maybe this guy didn’t deserve it. But they hired a retarded kid to bag the groceries. He does a really bad job, and totally smashes my stuff, but I certainly can’t sock him up, now can I? That would be ungentlemanly.
Administrator 5: The Janitor. Dude, this guy cleans my dorm suite every Monday. It’s cool…sometimes I smoke a doob with him, and he takes out my trash can. But last Monday, May 1, he didn’t show up for some stupid reason. It sucked- the night before we flooded our bathrooms, so we could slide across them on our stomachs. But, because my fucking janitor didn’t show up, I had to live in the swampy mess AND smoke an entire bean by myself.
Administrator 6: My Football Coach. This dude’s always riding my ass, telling me to leave practice just because I have “roid rage.” It’s not even a real disease. Plus, coach is telling me not to smoke on the field. He’s not even paying attention- smoking relaxes me, and allows me to focus upon the person who I am about to kill. Plus, there’s nothing like sacking the cube, then burning holes in his face with my mouth.
Administrator 7: The Librarian. Yeah, the papers said I only assaulted six people. But they don’t know about this guy. My student library is really nice- it’s large, and air-conditioned, and books can keep you warm at night, so I decided to live there. But one night, I found this librarian living in the fourth floor men’s restroom- that’s my bedroom, buddy. So, I punched him in his sleep, and ran away.
I ask any one of you to tell me that you HAVEN’T felt like punching these assholes in the head. Well, unlike you hippies, I did it. And that’s what true red-blooded Americans do. Punch people in the head. Where’s my parade, bitches? Look, if I don’t get a parade, I will punch you. I want lots of frilly pink confetti, too.
